The Ferguson Report: The first rule of Far-Right Club

Tim Ferguson
Jan 11, 2019, updated Jan 11, 2019

Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND

FAR-RIGHT CLUB

Alleged Prime Minister Scott Morrison has condemned the far-right rally of desperately dateless, slack-jawed numpties.

Scomofo defied the St Kilda rally organisers, the extremely extremist Backward Front saying: “Australians are not anti-migrant, nor racist.”

“Apart from the Australians at the rally,” clarified a spokeswoman.

“We are not racist,” said a White Supremacist genetic throwback to the time before dentistry. “We are against black Sudanese immigrants. See the difference?”

A bow-legged orc with immaculate breeding said: “Stop the African gangs. Australia’s gangs should be as white as the Ace of Spades [which, if you think about it, is a mostly white card.]”

MILLENNIALS TIMELESS

A psychology study has described the ‘Millennial’ generation as “ungrateful parasites”, without wishing to hurt their precious feelings.

The study claims that “Millennials are almost as self-centred as Gen-X whiners, Baby Boomer house-hogs, 1920’s Gatsbyites, Victorian-era ‘Tweens’, Elizabethan-era ‘Twixts’ and the snarling yoof of Ancient Greece.”

A Millennials spokesbeing posted a devastating rebuttal on an app of some sort.

TRUMP’S ROBO-CALL TO THE NATION

Thanks to the success of his first Address To The Nation from the Oval office, US President Donald Trump has announced he will give an Address To The Nation every 15 minutes.

“He won’t mince his words, he’ll use a Nutribullet,” said a person perilously close to the situation.

All the President’s Addresses To The Nation will repeat what he said last time (which was a repeat of what he says all the time). But one minute will be devoted to asking Americans to deliver a wall and his Happy Meal.

THE FUTURE IS YESTERYEAR

Leaders of the US Democrats deny they are too old to attract young progressive voters.

Former Vice-President Joe ‘Old Enough To Be Your Ancestor’ Biden, and House majority leader Nancy ‘Great-Grandmother of the Nation’ Pelosi are in their late 70s.

“They’re as young as they feel, not as old as they are,” said a spokesman through a hearing horn.

Senate Minority leader Chuck ‘Me’ Schumer said: “Donald Trump is a fine example of a man in his 70s who still has all his marbles. I’ve seen them, quite a collection.

“Eighty is the new 79-and-a-half,” said a spokeswoman for Bernie Sanders. “There are many advantages to having older leaders. They have wisdom, tenacity and dinner at five.”