The Ferguson Report: Some very queer food for thought
Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
GENDER OFFENDER
Liberal Senator Amanda Stoker has described gender identity and sexuality as “matters of personal choice”.
A government spokeswoman wearing a big girl’s blouse agreed. “I’m flattered when my husband tells me he ‘chooses’ to ‘prefer’ me over his natural inclinations. Be still my beating heart!”
The spokeswoman force-fed herself boiled brussels sprouts and cold porridge. “I was indulging my hedonist desires by preferring crispy bacon … Mmm, bacon … Now I ‘choose’ to ‘prefer’ this vile slop … Mmm, slop … The only reason I feel totally out of place in my body is because I did an Arts degree.”
In the spirit of going against its own libertarian nature, the ‘Liberal’ ‘Party’ ‘chooses’ to support Senator Stoker.
‘ORGANIC’ IS A MIDDLE-CLASS EATING DISORDER
A shocking new report claims ‘organic food’ includes all food.
The organic middle-class eating disorder has ravaged bank accounts in leafy suburbs, as victims struggle to put gluten-free antioxidant quinoa on their tables.
Although ‘organic’ food is ludicrously expensive, an organism farmer claimed that there is an excellent reason. After a moment, he said, “Um … I’ve got nothing.”
HOW GREENS IS MY ELECTORATE?
The new Greens policy smoothie forgot to include anything about the environment.
A spokeswoman in social-engineering dungarees said: “But the 90 per cent of Australians who vote against the Greens are being offered policies of all colours:
- Banks and the NBN should be taken from corporate hands and controlled by government bodies (which are like human bodies but with more dicks)
- We are in favour of the SBS. And we’ll be even more in favour of it once we know what it’s for
- Marijuana should be legal so you can get it anywhere, just like now
- The welfare term ‘Newstart’ is discriminatory. We will change it to ‘Newsenthusiast’
- Pill-testing should be legal. But be warned – it makes you chatty and dance until dawn
The spokeswoman downed her tools (in one gulp). “As for our environmental policy … Oops, gotta run. Nature calls.”
GOVERNMENT’S ‘WOMAN PROBLEM’ REJECTED ON MERIT
Born-To-Briefly-Rule PM Scott Morrison has denied his government has a ‘Woman Problem’.
A spokesman in a frock said: “Since the Barnaby Baby-Boom Bonking Ban and Sugar-Baby Blowout we clearly have a ‘Man Problem’.”
A pollster said 19 women in the government is plenty. “Why, there are more female MPs in the government than there are women willing to vote for it.”
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NERVOUS COUPLE DANCES LIKE CORY BERNARDI IS WATCHING
TRUMP SHUTDOWN PAID FOR BY MEXICO
SECRETS OF NEW SUBMARINES TO BE KEPT SAFE BY FRENCH DESIGNERS
SKY NEWS HOST ACCUSES ABC OF BIAS
