The Ferguson Report: Japanese ‘scientists’ find ingenious way to keep lab coats clean

Tim Ferguson
Dec 28, 2018, updated Dec 28, 2018

Vote counting all but done, Australia is feeling all warm and decidedly sleepy. Photo: TND

JAPAN WINS ‘SAVE THE WHALING’ CAMPAIGN

Japan will stop ‘scientific’ whaling, but will restart ‘commercial’ whaling.

A blood-soaked ‘scientist’ clambered from the belly of a humpback whale wailing, “‘Commercial’ whaling is like ‘scientific’ whaling in the sense that it’s exactly the same. But this will reduce the dry-cleaning bills for our lab coats.”

She swished her “scientific method” sashimi knives and dived into the splattering gore saying: “So long and thanks for all the blubber.”

LITTLE GOVERNMENT OF HORRORS

The blink-and-miss-it Morrison government will win re-election with a running scared campaign of horror films.

A spokeswoman in a hockey mask said, “We’re shooting ‘Michaelia Cash & Carrie’ about a girl with Telekinetic powers who can move polling numbers downward. We tried an ad with vampires sucking blood from innocent taxpayers, but it turned out that’s us.”

The government plans to scare voters back to the Coalition with ‘I Know What You Did Last Budget’, ‘Bride of Frankin’ Credits’, ‘House of 1000 Power Bills’ and ‘I Spit On Your Boat’.

LABOR REVOLUTION GOING IN CIRCLES

The Labor Party has mistakenly mentioned its policies such as cutting the franking credits tax bonanza and other things people don’t understand.

A Labor spokesman said “Franking is not a dirty word,” but an apparatchik whispered in his ear and made complex hand gestures. The spokesman immediately ended the press conference so he could have “a quiet lie down”.

When asked about franking credits, a millennial guiltily snapped his laptop shut and said, “Wait … I can get credits for that?”

A Labor spokeswoman admitted governing will not be easy. “It’s hard to chew gum and frank at the same time.”

PETA INCREDLINOUS

Peta Credlin is being touted as a replacement candidate for sugar-parenting enthusiast Andrew Broad MP.

Credlin was chief of staff to PM Tony Abbott, who was hugely successful at winning government and stunningly spectacular at losing it.

Credlin currently works for the Sky Comedy Channel. Her show, Credlin, is enthusiastically watched in airports where passengers have no control over the remote.

One spineless, conniving LNP minister shivered at the prospect of her return. “Just when we’ve gotten off Xanex, she comes Credlin’ back.”

Andrew ‘My Other Car Is A Buggaboo’ Broad said the choice is up to the people of Mallee. “I trust their collective wisdom.”

The people of Mallee elected Broad. Credlin can’t lose.