News National The Ferguson Report: Trump’s lawyer jailed for being Trump’s lawyer
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The Ferguson Report: Trump’s lawyer jailed for being Trump’s lawyer

Tim Ferguson fake news
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
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LOST IN ADELAIDE

The country town of Adelaide will be the headquarters of Australia’s first space agency.

“Australia’s space industry is set to hit new heights,” said PM Scott ‘Scomo-tion Crash’ Morrison standing on a milk crate.

A spokeswoman for the Off Our Space Agency said: “Outer space and Adelaide have so much in common. We are both a long way away and have no signs of life, especially on Sunday.”

She insisted Adelaide is a thing.

“Many people come to our fringe festival, which is like a real festival but with more Lycra. We welcome aliens. We are not Nick Xenophonic. In Adelaide, no-one can hear you squeam …”

NASA is sending a probe to search for intelligent life in South Australia. It’s a dangerous move. A poll has shown that most South Australians believe that the Kuiper Belt is something that keeps your skinny jeans up.

BREXIT, STAGE RIGHT

British Prime Minister Theresa May has won a snap-crackle-pop leadership vote of confidence.

The clincher was Ms May’s promise she would step down before the next election. “Now she has promised to go, she has our total confidence,” said a Tory lickspittle.

A European Union executive said: “If you Brexit, you pay for it.”

KANGAROO COURT CULL

Centrelink hopeful PM Scott Morrison has caved in to pressure to establish a national anti-corruption commission.

He said it will not be a “kangaroo court”, but there will be much leaping to conclusions.

A government spokeswoman said: “First, the PM was dead against it. Now he’s all for it. Tomorrow he will blame it on Bill Shorten.”

Morrison said the anti-corruption body will have ‘teeth’. The teeth will be securely kept in a glass of water.

A lawyer who can’t wipe the smile off his face said: “Power corrupts – absolute power makes it legal.”

COHEN COHEN TO PRISON

Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s lawyer, has been found guilty of being Donald Trump’s lawyer.

Mr Cohen pleaded guilty to silencing women who alleged affairs with Mr Trump by paying hush money. But Mr Trump has declared: “I never met this Mush Honey!”

The President added: “He will say anything to stay out of jail.”

It’s not clear if Mr Trump was talking to a camera or a mirror.

In other news…

GOD LENIENT TOWARDS PREJUDICE

DOPE-SMOKER CLAIMS FLUORIDE NUMBS YOUR MIND

HIGH SCHOOL PROTESTER THINKS IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE

SANTA SUFFERS ‘DELUSIONAL’ BELIEF IN SANTA

SEX THERAPIST CURES SELF REGULARLY

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