News National The Ferguson Report: Bangers and gnash for Pauline, Mark and Tony
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The Ferguson Report: Bangers and gnash for Pauline, Mark and Tony

Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
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ONE NATION GIVES BIRTH TO TWINS

Mark Latham and Pauline Hanson are releasing an album of duets. Songs will include A Whiter Shade Of White, Torn Between Two Leaders and You Say Potato, And I Can’t Pronounce It.

The One Nation Front plans to momentarily install Latham in the Legislative Council of the NSW state government, a group that exists only in rumours.

A Front backer with a bad haircut said: “Latham will win a seat with a crushing 4.5 per cent majority. Immediately, he will orchestrate an earth-shattering kerfuffle. He will easily offend the easily offended. Knees will jerk. Tweets will chirp. It’s a no-brainer, literally!”

The plan is for Pauline Hanson to respond by tearfully branding Latham a traitor to all non-thinking people. She will declare, “No one saw this coming. Again”.

MALCOLM TURNBULL CLAIMS CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING

Former inevitably former prime minister Malcolm Turnbull has outraged activists by claiming credit for legalising gay marriage and everything else he’s witnessed passing by.

A Malcolm Turnbull fan named ‘Malcolm Turnbull’, clawed his way onto Q&A, the ABC wooden panel show, to praise the past passing-fast PM.

“The marriage plebiscite made nobody’s business everybody’s business. Malcolm bravely surrendered to it against every fibre of his being. It was his most successful failure.”

ONIONGATE HAS MANY LAYERS

An onion-shaped furore has given sausage-sizzlers the vapours. Bunnings has made the un-sauced suggestion that onions should be placed “under” the sausage, not the traditional “wherever”.

An anonymous sauce said, “The ‘Bunion’ crisis-outrage-calamity is multi-layered, with a flaky surface. Toying with an onion will bring you to tears”.

No comment was made by Tony Abbott.

TRUMP AVOIDED VIETNAM CONSCRIPTION DUE TO RAIN

US Anti-President Donald Trump has been condemned by world leaders for avoiding the centenary memorial for World War I.

But a White House spokeswoman with a very, very long nose said: “It was too wet for the Marine One helicopter to fly. Believe me – that chopper built to fly the world’s most powerful leader in a crisis situation cannot fly in mild drizzle. It’s America’s weak point.”

An adviser way too close to the situation told a different story. “The president is allergic to water. He avoided conscription by pleading an allergy to dampness and mild rainfall. He can only have bubble-baths with members of the adult entertainment industry or showers, golden or otherwise.”

In other news…

WHITEHOUSE CALLS CNN’s PARENTS

NEW GAME OF THRONES SERIES GRATUITOUSLY CLOTHED

BREXIT BREXUP

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