MUTUALLY ASSURED DISTRACTION
US President Donald Trump is pulling the United States out of a nuclear arms agreement with Russia while taunting China’s navy in the Taiwan Strait.
“We’ll drag the world to the brink of nuclear destruction until we win the Cold War or until the mid-term elections.”
HOUSING BULLTWANG MARKET
“In Sydney and Melbourne, housing prices are falling by over $1000 a week,” said a Deloitte executive who took little deloitte in saying it.
It’s true. House prices are disastrously plummeting to the point where average people can afford them.
“It’s agonising,” said a baby-boomer government spokeswoman in her sixth townhouse. “We’re torn between housing affordability for people who don’t have a home, and absurdly meteoric price rises for those who do. Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like a negatively-geared investment property.”
A banking exec in a getaway car said: “It’s about increasing prices to a level that’s ludicrous yet affordable. A house divided against itself cannot liquidate.”
ECUADOR EMBASSY SPRINGS A WIKILEAK
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is launching legal action against the government of Ecuador, despite living for free at the country’s embassy in London for six years.
A spokesbot with a goatee and an eggplant espresso said: “Ecuador’s so hypocritical. Julian’s being kept prisoner even though he isn’t. He’s unable to leave the free and luxurious apartment in downtown London even though he is. What do they want? Rent?”
CANADIAN CANADABIS CANUCKUP
Canada is gently wobbling under the brain-strain of a marijuana shortage.
To avoid half-arsed riots, government-approved dope dealers are selling joints filled with oregano.
A Canadian spokesman politely apologised. “Sorry, sorry and furthermore, sorry, oregano is a gateway herb to quinoa.”
An offer to fill the shortfall was made by the sellers of heroin, ice and crack cocaine.
THE WORD THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME
Fake news media have attacked Donald Trump’s claim he is a “nationalist” due to the dark history of the word.
“You know what I am? I’m a nationalist, OK? I’m a nationalist. Nationalist!” he said ambiguously.
A Whiter-Than-Whitehouse spokeswoman said to fake journalists: “Puh-lease. Don’t distort his words as meaning what they mean. You’re twisting the actual meaning as meaning what he clearly means. Ignore the implied meaning, too, it’s way worse.”
In other news…
UBER DRIVER OPINES LIKE TAXI DRIVER
SCOMO SENDS TURNBULL TO BALI TO DO A PM’s JOB
ABBOTT SAYS WE HAVE ‘DUTTON TO LOOK FORWARD TO’
RECTANGLE ICEBERG DENIES KUBRICK HOMAGE
MAP OF TASMANIA JOKE RUINED BY BRAZILIANS