News National The Ferguson Report: Brexit’s flat-footed May poll dancer
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The Ferguson Report: Brexit’s flat-footed May poll dancer

Tim Ferguson fake news
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
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  1. Tweet about it.

Theresa May dances like nobody’s voting

Embattled British prime minister Theresa May danced to the podium to give her big speech to the Tory party conference. May boogied in a style she calls the Headless Chicken Dance.

As Brexit looms and Britain prepares to leave the world, the Tory leader thought it best to be dancing chook to chook.

Tommy, a Pommy, said, “My stiff upper lip is so stiff I can’t pronounce ’William wed a wily woman’ without dribbling more than usual.”

A Tory spokeswoman with impeccable inbreeding said, “Brexit’s a nightmare! We’ll be all alone, starved of culture, irrelevant … just like Australia.”

Anning Anning Anning! Broom Broom Honk Honk!

Senator Fraser “The Funnel Solution” Anning has tweeted a warning about the social influences of “ethnic and religious minorities, radical feminists, sexual deviants, Third World immigrants and antisocial criminals”.

A spokeswoman who identifies as ‘identifiable’ explained. “By ‘antisocial criminals’, he doesn’t mean all criminals. Many crooks play a positive role in our society by wiping out other crooks. By ‘radical feminists’ he means ‘all feminists’. By ‘sexual deviants’ he only means the adult populations of Queensland, Victoria and Canberra. And, of course, Tasmania.”

Without laughing, Anning claimed the various groups could deconstruct “traditional values and the white family”.

A desperate search is on for a white family. “So far, we’ve only found the White family: a Sudanese/Irish couple with adopted Korean and Tongan kids who identify as Indian.”

Trump outrage causes no outrage

The New York Times claims US President Donald Trump participated in dodgy tax schemes during the 1990s. This news was printed as if it is news.

The startling revelation of the obvious shocked people to the point of being mildly interested.

Trump’s claim his father only gave him $US1,000,000 to start an empire clashed with the true sum, the equivalent today of at least $US413 million ($A572 million).

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee ‘Seriously, Huckabee’ Sanders rolled her eyes and banged her head on her podium in a gesture of calm. “The president isn’t lying. He got a million dollars – four hundred and thirteen times.”

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FLAT-EARTH THEORIST BAFFLED BY BEACH BALL

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