The government is at a loss after the beheadings of ABC managing director Michelle Guthrie, ABC chairman Justin Milne and New Yorker Malcolm Turnbull.
A government spokesman in a butcher smock said, “We’re running out of people to secretly undermine.”
Speaking through lawyers, an ABC board director said a desperate search is underway for Michelle Guthrie’s replacement. “We are seeking a middle-aged white man who obeys unspoken orders.”
Speaking through a gag, an ABC TV executive said, “Programming will return to the good old days – soothing Brahms and a test pattern.”
The ABC HR department thought they’d already sacked everyone.
Non-Communications Minister Mitch Fifield has denied having anything to do with anything. This is accurate.
Trump slays ’em at UN
US President/Comedian Donald Trump, has performed a tight five at the United Nations. Slaying the crowd with his best material and suave delivery, Trump said, “I didn’t expect that reaction.”
It’s true. Normally, he gets heckled with facts.
Australia Day moved to date of Captain Cook arrival
Senator Bridget “To Nowhere” McKenzie has claimed the 26th of January is the day “when Captain Cook stepped ashore.”
A National Party spokesman wearing socks and a smoking jacket said, “It was a typically extraordinary feat by Captain Cook to discover Australia nine years after his death.”
Piggy banks covered in red oink
The first report from the Royal Commission into Banking exposes misbehaviour, theft and bungling.
“It’s a great business model,” said a total banker. “We’re laughing all the way to the lawyers.”
However, concerns were raised by a complete and utter banker. “Villainy and robbery are hard to maintain when our execs are so incompetent.”
A government spokesman standing on a share portfolio expressed relief. “We love the Royal Commission! Despite their daylight robbery, none of our mates are going to jail.”
Careful, he might impeach you
The silence of US Special Counsel Investigator Robert Mueller is deafening Donald Trump. Trolling at Trumpian levels, Mueller writes incendiary comments like “No comment” and “Stand by”.
“Mueller even refuses to refuse to speak,” said an insider. “It’s like The Silence of the Lambs with more psychopaths.”
The Special Counsel was last seen preparing to eat Trump’s liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
In other news…
SYDNEY UNAWARE OF MELBOURNE/SYDNEY RIVALRY
GLOBE WARMING DUE TO VEGAN METHANE EMISSIONS
MELANIA LOOKALIKE IS BESIDE HERSELF
SCOMO SURPRISINGLY STILL PM