The Ferguson Report: The economic forecast goes from dismal to Dutton

Tim Ferguson
Sep 07, 2018, updated Sep 07, 2018

Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND

THAT’LL DO, TWEETNIKS, THAT’LL DO

Russian leader Vladimir Putin-On-The-Ritz has ordered his hackers to leave Australia alone.

“Who needs hacking?” said a Russian mini-garch. “Nobody’s better at breaking Australian governments than Australian governments.”

PM HAS SENIOR’S MOMENT

Momentary Prime Minister Scott ‘Insert Earthly Nickname’ Morrison has failed to remember that Australia’s population is rapidly ageing.

Morrison declared the pension age of 67 will remain, possibly because he forgot it won’t.

A spokeswoman swinging in a hoist said, “It’s okay. Soon, 20 per cent of the Australian population will be too old to walk to Centrelink.”

Economists immediately lowered their long-term financial forecast from ‘Dismal’ to ‘Disastrous’ to ‘Dutton’.

ELECTORAL CYCLISTS HIT TOP GEAR

The next election ominously looms – like a Clive Palmer billboard.

In a nasty act of destabilisation, Labor leader Bill ‘I Think I Can, I Think I Can’ Shorten accused Scott Morrison of being the Prime Minister. Morrison’s popularity immediately slumped to Bill Shorten levels.

The Greens are struggling to attract the 90 per cent of Australians who consistently vote against them. The new Greens slogan is ‘Stop It, Just Stop It’. Greens leader Richard Di Natale said, “It has to stop. I don’t want to be negative, but don’t do that thing you are doing, whatever it is.”

The Bob Katter Party declared people without Lebanese grandfathers are un-Australian.

Cory Bernardi’s Invisible Majority ran around naked and nobody knew it.

And One Nation had her nails done.

A Graham ‘Richo’ Richardson look-alike said, “The mob will always work you out. Then they’ll replace you with the party they worked out previously. And so on.”

ORANGE YOU GLAD I’LL TESTIFY?

John Dowd, former attorney for President Donald Trump, has been quoted in a new book warning Trump not to testify before the Russia investigation. Dowd told Trump he will end up “in an orange jumpsuit.”

“Great, it’ll match his hair,” said a Whitehouse spokeswoman speaking through her lawyers. “Orange is the new orange.”

THE PRESIDENT IS MUSING

A shocking new book’s explosive revelations describe US President Donald Trump as “rational and calm”.

Washington was stunned as details emerged of Trump as a policy wonk “obsessed with reading economic briefings and climate science”.

The devastating scandal has rocked Trump’s base, causing his voters to pay even less attention.