Former Hobbyist PM Malcolm Turnbull has popped the Cristal champagne on his time teetering at the top of what was wistfully called “the government”.
He leaves a proud legacy of the banking royal commission he failed to stop, corporate tax cuts he failed to start and the NEG he failed to understand.
His greatest successes were his last-minute au revoir to the Paris Agreement, which was very French, and his ministerial “Bonk Ban” which was not very French.
The Liberal Party pledged total support for his departure.
A young liberal in her father’s Mercedes said, “Our support for Malcolm going back to his Harbourside hellhole is complete, unequivocal and can be believed for a change.”
PARTY VOTE DEFEATS PEOPLE’S VOTE
The Liberal Party has chosen Scott Morrison to be Australia’s Prime Minister until Tony Abbott decides otherwise.
Morrison was described as “the compromise candidate”, meaning a compromise between Barnaby Joyce and someone good.
Former Home Affairs Minister, Peter Dutton-Will-Erase-The-Stains lost the party room ballot by a handful of votes. A Dutton spokesmen in Queensland police uniform blamed African gangs, boats and a potato masquerading as a potato.
Former Deputy Prime Minister Julie Bishop was eliminated by Liberals for being too liberal, too popular and way too female.
Two government spokeswomen in matching bald caps claimed the Government will continue as before. “The extreme change was necessary to stay exactly the same.”
As a dark warning the battle is not over, Dutton pledged his total support.
ABBOTT CHECKS LOCKER FOR MORE SHOTS
Former man of the past Tony Abbott has claimed the role of Prime Minister is not suitable for narcissistic backstabbers who don’t know when to leave.
WAG THE WAG
Packs of dogs are storming Canberra’s Parliament House, following Extreme Wrong/Right Senator Fraser Anning.
A spokeswoman in brown active-wear said, “It’s baffling. Anning doesn’t whistle. And he gave away all his dog biscuits to One Nation voters. But the dogs keep coming. We call him the ‘Mad Dog Whisperer’.”
Parliament is besieged by slavering schnauzers, pure-breed half-breed labradoodles, slack-jawed shitzus and a pitbull with a shaven head. And they’re the pretty ones.
“It all started when he innocently called for the final solution. Now we need a final solution to the final solution.”
Her voice was drowned out by howling.
MICHAEL COHEN REACHES PLEASE-PLEASE-PLEASE BARGAIN
BILL SHORTEN BUYS POWERBALL TICKET
GOVT BREAKS OUT IN SCOMO ALL OVER