TRUMP NEW LOW RUINED BY NEWER, LOWER LOW

Commander-In-Beef Donald Trump is reeling from a comment he is making right now. As you read this, the Supreme Supremacist is tweeting something even worse than his tweet calling former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman a “dog”.

Trump’s current comment includes a denial that he’s ever colluded, not even privately with himself. It reveals startling new facts, including “I’ve never even met Putin”, “My pee-tape is the biggest ever” and “Hillary blah, blah, blah”.

Trump is currently saying something so horrible, so bigoted, so dopey, his daughter Ivanka is having a hard time pretending she didn’t hear it.

THE BANKING DEAD

The banking royal commission has heard banks are still taking fees from the super accounts of the deceased.

An utter banker confessed, “I fee dead people. No complaints so far.”

USA LOSES WHITE HOUSE PASS

The United States of America broke down at a tearful press conference.

“We tried to distance ourselves from the grabby hands of President Trump,” said the world’s most American nation. “But we must admit it – this is who we are. He’s the president we voted for, sort of.

“Sure, we liked the tree-tall Obamas and the log-headed Bush. But we are Forest Trump.

“After the mid-term election, America will be wall to wall for walls. Of course, we’d like Democrats to vote. But daytime Netflix is so entertaining.”

The USA was led sobbing off the stage by Chinese investors. It later had its tiara stolen at the after-party by a shirtless man riding a horse.

ANNING FANNING BANNING

Senator Fraser Anning’s maiden speech called for banning immigrants with a ‘final solution’. Senators responded with applause, kisses and handshakes.

Then they realised the cameras were on.

A spokeswoman in a ten-gallon Katter explained. “Don’t listen to what Anning says. Listen to what he means.”

An identical spokeswoman galloped on cowback to give that explanation an explanation.

“Don’t listen to what he means either. By ‘final solution’, he doesn’t mean ‘The Final Solution’. And when you-know-who used that expression way-back-when, I’m sure he didn’t mean it either. If you know what I mean.”

Peter Dutton-To-Do-With-Me wondered how such mixed messages got started.

In other news…

BILL SHORTEN PATH TO VICTORY INCLUDES DOING NOTHING

BOB KATTER CLAIMS ALL TRUE AUSSIES HAVE A LEBANESE GRANDAD TOO

TRUMP DENIES COLLUSION, COHESION, COHERENCE

THE BACHELOR TV SHOW DOOMED TO SUCCEED