News National The Ferguson Report: Barnaby Joyce releases new memoir
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The Ferguson Report: Barnaby Joyce releases new memoir

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CLIVE FACE-PALMER

Former federal MP Clive ‘Banana’ Palmer is funding hundreds of billboards around Australia with the slogan ‘Make Australia Great’.

A Palmer spokesman wearing a ten-man tent said, “The slogan implies Australia has never been great. And it does seem a little plagiarised… So, Clive’s next campaign has a new slogan: ‘Make Australia America!'”

The spokesman also agreed Clive’s slogan “Put Australia First” doesn’t actually put ‘Australia’ first. “‘Australia First Put’ is more accurate.”

TOTAL BANKERS

Banking executives and their labradoodles are outraged the royal commission is twisting the law.

A spokeswoman in an Audi A8 said, “Since when has taking money from people for a service while deliberately not providing that service been a crime? Next you’ll criminalise barefaced robbery.”

NZ PM OTT

The Prime Minister of New Zealand Jacinda Ardern has shocked Conservatives worldwide. “Overreach!” shouted a motherly mother from mothers’ group Mothers For Mothers. “First, she chewed gum, and we thought that was pushing it. But now she is walking and chewing gum at the same time. She can’t have it all!”

After Ardern defiantly walked and chewed, she relaxed with her favourite pastimes – raising her newborn baby and running the country.

FIFTY SHADES OF BARNABY

Former Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce has released a new memoir, affectionately nicknamed ‘Joyce: Freshly Squeezed’.

It covers topics we already knew, things we didn’t want to know, and bits that make us want to scream into a bucket of sheep-dip.

A spokes-cocky for the National Party said, “The book is like a rabid kelpie – lots of yapping for attention, with disturbing interludes of tail-chasing.”

A SHORT TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR TO THE RIGHT….

Huge American military expansion into space was announced by US Vice President, Mike ‘Think About It – If You Impeach Him You Get Me’ Pence.

Mr Pence said, “The new ‘Space Force’ will defend us from illegal aliens. The cost will make the Border Wall seem like a bargain.”

Fake journalists asked if the space weapons were a distraction, Mr Pence slowly waved his hand. “This isn’t the collusion you’re looking for.”

Meanwhile, Golfer-In-Chief Donald Trump stared at the media, breathed deeply and said, “I am probably your father.”

In other news…

ROYAL COMMISSION GIVES NEW MEANING TO ‘BANK ROBBERS’

VIC GOVT AXES SKY NEWS, BUT TRAINS STILL DON’T RUN ON TIME

PETER DUTTON BORN IN KENYA

HIPSTER CLAIMS QUINOA IS FOOD

ANTI-VAXXER DIES OF NATURAL CAUSES

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