FAKEBOOK

Facebook is banning Russian election meddlers with “inauthentic accounts”. Shockingly, over a billion “inauthentic” accounts are now at risk of being banned.

An inauthentic teenage girl has admitted she does not “Like” Taylor Swift and is not “BFFs with Jemima from school”. An Adelaide man tearfully said: “I did not cook any of the meals I posted. I’m a sham.”

Regular Facebook users face banishment for falsely claiming they “live life to the full”.

Facebook may have to un-friend itself for claiming it’s anything more than an advertising cash-cow.

LACK OF LEADERSHIP STRUGGLE CAUSES LEADERSHIP STRUGGLE

Supposed PM Malcolm Turnbull and Labor leader Bill Shorten are both in danger of being randomly selected by the media for this week’s leadership crisis.

“It’s a disaster,” said a journalist who wished to remain employed.

“Malcolm’s numbers are solid. Bill just won four by-elections. And I just bought a boat. One of them has to go.”

ABC SERIES WASTE ON WASTE

ABC TV show War On Waste claims the world is going to hell in a shopping bag.

The show has inspired a ban of plastic bags, straws and other things that make life easier. The ABC will now ban TV shows that push non-edgy leftist issues in an age of outrageous homelessness and poverty.

AIR CRASH ‘HOLY MIRACLE’ THANKS TO ‘NOT SO HOLY’ AIR CRASH DISASTER

A newsreader thanked God when 103 people survived an aeroplane crash near a Mexican airport.

A spokesman for Sceptics For God clarified – “Surviving this crash was an example of the presence of God, shortly after the absence of God. But don’t blame God. He can’t be everywhere all the time. No… wait…”

WHITE YOUNG LIBERALS NOT INTEGRATING

Peter Dutton-Comes-To-Mind has attacked members of the Young Liberals for failing to integrate with normal Australians.

A government spokeswoman said: “They form ghettos in leafy suburbs. You never see them at Aldi when there’s a special on 5-Bean Mix. And we know they’re orphans because they ask: ‘Do you know who my father is?’”

A successful Sudanese immigrant dentist said, “It’s frightening. We go to a restaurant. Suddenly, we’re surrounded by these outsiders complaining, ‘This Coq au vin lacks zest!’ Please Mr Dutton, stop the yachts.”

TRUMP CLAIMS THE WORLD IS IN GOOD, TINY HANDS

GOD’S WRATH AT GAY MARRIAGE ANY SECOND NOW

DESPERATE PM GIVES HIMSELF TOTAL SUPPORT

CHIROPRACTOR SAYS MEDICAL SCIENCE IS ‘TOTES DODGY’

POST-MATCH INTERVIEW NARROWLY AVOIDS INTERESTING FACTS