The Ferguson Report: Nine times nothing equals…
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
UNWATCHED MEDIA BUYS UNREAD MEDIA
Nine has bought Fairfax. A spokeswoman said: “Journalists complain the sale destroys media diversity. Thankfully, they don’t have an audience either.”
Nine announced The Age can now achieve the exacting journalistic standards of Love Island.
IF ANYONE CAN, IMRAN KHAN
Former cricket star Imran Khan has declared victory in Pakistan’s elections.
The election campaign was marred by militant violence, widespread fraud and voting underarm.
An excited spokesman said: “Pakistan’s new leader can bowl. And furthermore, he can bat. What could go wrong?”
AUSTRALIA NON-DISCRIMINATORY TOWARD WHITES ONLY
All African immigration has been questioned by former person of interest Tony Abbott who argued Africans are “difficult to integrate”.
A spokes-cyclist raced forward to clarify. “By ‘Africans’, Tony did not mean ‘White South African Farmers’. He’s all for their integration on remote farms in isolation. He means the other Africans, the African Africans, the ones who look like actual Africans or … Gosh, this is awkward … Melbourne Africans.”
Balancing precariously at a red light he said, “All human life originated in Africa. But Tony came from London.”
WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL MAN CAN’T CONTROL HIMSELF
During the Cohen Tapes crisis, golfer Donald Trump is considering declaring war on himself.
“What I need is a military distraction,” said Mr Trump on the third tee.
“But my ALL-CAPS TWEETING TO IRAN got a lower-case response: China owns too much America and Russia is our beloved ally for reasons I cannot disclose. But if I take myself out, crisis solved.”
The Grabber-In-Chief added: “No … wait. I mean the opposite of the opposite of the opposite of what I just said. Backwards.”
Thankfully, Trump was silenced before he could make sense.
THE SINGLE WIVES TV SERIES LONELY & DESPERATE
Viewers have left The Single Wives TV series without warning in the middle of the night.
“It just wasn’t working out,” said ‘Jason’, a tearful male viewer. “I tried and tried, but I need more than grim reality with ad breaks.”
Good news: the series is popular with the 30-something single male audience. His name is ‘Derek’.
MORE HEADLINES
MOTHER OF ALL WARS GETS AROUND
COHEN TAKES BULLET FOR TRUMP, HIDES IT IN DRAWER
PAULINE HANSON LIFE-SIZE CUTOUT WINS BY-ELECTION
MAN SPLAINS MANSPLAINING
