The Ferguson Report: What were those coaches thinking?
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
RESCUERS OF THAI CAVE BOYS COULDN’T SAVE SOCCEROOS
Australia held its breath in anguish for the trapped Thai boys and the World Cup.
A stressed-out soccer fan who watched both crises on split screen said: “The devastating loss to Peru was made worse by our intermittent anguish for those Thai boys. The distress of waiting during half-time was unbearable, not unlike the flickering but heartfelt concern for the cave thingummy.”
In both instances, Australians shouted, “What was that idiot coach thinking?!”
EVERYTHING OLD IS RENEWABLES AGAIN
Last-man-standing Labor leader Bill Shorten has accused PM Turnbull of “war on renewables”.
A spokesman for Labor (who has never done actual labour) admitted that a renewables war is not a problem. “Renewables are renewable. Plenty more where they came from. Pass the pinot.”
GOVT PROMISES ENERGY ARMAGEDDON AT AFFORDABLE PRICE
The National Party is pushing the government to subsidise coal.
A pregnant adviser said: “The least we can do is make the destruction of global climate cheap and reliable.”
“We’re calling it the Life’s-Too-Short-Term Plan,” said a Nationals minister who wished to remain clothed. He chanted the new party slogan: “Power to the people who can afford it!”
ONE NATION PREFERENCE NOT PREFERRED
Hobby Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has defended preferencing the One Nation Front over grown-up parties.
“Just because preferences are directed to a party doesn’t mean that you support them,” said the PM in all seriousness.
An LNP spokeswoman clarified: “’Preference’ does not mean ‘preference’. In the same way ‘white supremacy’ never proves ‘white’ is ‘supreme’.”
CRACKDOWN HEADS UP
A federal government crackdown on immigrants has only cut intake by a disappointing 10 per cent, according to Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton-Dressed-As-Lamb.
He said the nation should only accept “people who are going to work and not be on welfare,” unlike most Australians.
NDIS OFF ITS MEDS
The NDIS roll-out is a tripping hazard for future governments.
A Turn-bulltwang government spokeswoman said: “Of all of the brilliant, heartfelt ideas, we hate this one most. The potential for the NDIS to improve the lives of thousands of Australians is its most irritating feature.”
A spokeswoman for Social Services Minister Christian ‘Not Really’ Porter warned: “Good intentions pave the road to wheelchair ramps.”
In other news…
“NATO” TO STAND FOR “NEED ANOTHER TREATY ORGANISATION”
JOYCE CLEARED OF EVERYTHING ACCEPT THE IMPORTANT STUFF
HARLEY-DAVIDSONS TO BE MADE IN GERMANY FROM IRONY
UNI SOCIALIST CLAIMS REVOLUTION IS ‘PERMANENTLY IMMINENT’
MOTHER NATURE ASKS FOR GENDER REASSIGNMENT
