TRUMP FAKES EMPATHY

Amateur golfer Donald Trump used a cheat sheet with hints to appear empathetic while meeting with survivors of the deadly Florida school shooting.

His cheat sheet included phrases like, “Guns don’t kill people, Kim Jong-Un kills people”, “There was no collusion” and “When do we eat?”

It warned him not to say “Shoot” when asking people to speak and to avoid accusing Hillary of saying “Shoot” when asking people to shoot.

Trump promised the victims’ families action on gun laws. “It’s not going to be talk like it has been in the past,” Mr Trump said speaking with words used for talking.

“We’re going to be very strong on background checks,” he said. “Then we’ll sell the guns to teenagers.”

“Only the most stable teens want to buy assault weapons,” said an NRA spokes-shooter. “If their steely gaze doesn’t flinch, and they don’t ask directions to clock towers, they can have their own AR-15 magazine-fed, gas-operated semi-automatic rifle.”

ABBOTT IMMIGRATION CUT SHORT BACK AND SIDES

Former person of interest Tony Abbott has called for a cut in immigration from “too many” to “still too many”. The immigrant Abbott blamed long queues at Speedo shops, a shortage of labradoodles and “ethnic gangs that are testing the resolve of police.”

A Police spokeswoman said, “Our resolve is strong, but thanks for the boost, Wingnut.” She did agree ethnic gangs are almost as numerous as marauding, half-tanked white dudes in fleuro-jackets.

RUN & DUMMER

Research says Australian parents are more interested in their children’s sporting abilities than academic achievements.

“Being good at sport will come in handy when they move into the workplace,” said a PE teacher who coincidentally got low graduation marks.

“For example, jumping through loopholes will work for banking employees at the royal commission. Running very, very fast will work for their bosses. Keeping a fit figure will be useful for Parliament house workers hoping to attract government ministers.”

THE JOYCE OF SEX

Former leader of hat-wearers Barnaby Joyce claims his sexy private life is nobody‘s business. To explain his right to privacy, he spoke to giant national media organisations and anyone who would listen.

During the 2017 gay marriage plebiscite gang-bash, Joyce claimed the private life of gay couples was very much his business.

“Barnaby had a point,” said a government spokesman in a bathrobe. “Infidelity is best conducted in a hetero marriage.”

JENNIFER LAWRENCE OUTRAGES FEMINISTS BY WEARING WHAT SHE WANTS

WHITE HOUSE VISITED BY PM TRUMBLE

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MANUKA HONEY FAILS TO CURE GULLIBILITY

CYCLIST THINKS IT’A GREAT LOOK