News National The Ferguson Report: Donald Turnbull, meet Malcolm Trump
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The Ferguson Report: Donald Turnbull, meet Malcolm Trump

Tim Ferguson fake news
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
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CORPORATE TAX CUT FROM ZERO TO ZERO

Alleged Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull wants a tax cut for corporations. “Donald Trump is doing it, so it must be a good idea,” he said.

Qantas generated $106.4 billion last year. Therefore, the airline paid no tax.

“This tax cut lowers our tax from zero to double-zero,” said a cheery airline spokeswoman.

An executive for mining magnate Gina Rinehart said, “The money we save on tax will be spent on the people. For example, Gina.”

Treasurer Scott Morrison was asked if a vast flood of money will trigger inflation. He said, “Huh? I thought inflation means things are getting bigger.”

PM BANS SEX … LIKE HE CAN

PM Malcolm Turnbull announced a ban on ministers having sex with their staff.

As politicians scrambled for their mobile phones and tissues, a spokesman said, “Politicians are unaware that sex with underlings behind their spouse’s back is a no-no. They think everyone can have a Party Whip.”

“Sex-free ministers is not an impossible dream,” said an insider who wished to remain naked. “Just look at them. It’s a wonder they have spouses to sneak around.”

CATHOLIC CHURCH’S $30 BILLION NOT ENOUGH

Research has revealed the Catholic Church owns more than $30 billion in property and other assets across Australia.

Almighty God has expressed disappointment. “After all the help I give them, $30 billion is blasphemy. They should have more money than … me. God help me (and I can)!”

BARNABY JOYCE TO THE WORLD

The Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce has considered his position and chosen ‘sitting’. Joyce declared the Prime Minister’s panicked squirming about the recent Joyce embroiled embroglio is ‘inept’.

A Nationals spokesman agreed. “The PM’s squirming lacked ept. Before he became PM, Malcolm’s ept-ness was apt. He should opt for apt ept before he’s upped.”

US GUN VIOLENCE FOILS SPEECH ON US GUN VIOLENCE

US Senator Chuck Encatch was just about to give a speech on gun laws and gun violence when it was made untenable by more gun violence. “One more day and I coulda done it without the complaints of ‘Too soon!’

The senator claimed, “My guns speech is dynamite (which is responsible for far fewer rampages). I wrote it twelve years ago. Any day now…”

PM CLAIMS PM IS BILL SHORTEN’S FAULT

NEW SUBMARINES’ SECRETS SAFE WITH FOREIGN DESIGNERS

AUSSIES WANT WINTER OLYMPICS TO INCLUDE ‘THE BIFF’

BANKS ROYAL COMMISSION ALREADY LOSING INTEREST

NEW AUSSIE NAVY ‘FRIGATE’ A DIRTY WORD

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