News National The Ferguson Report: Cabinet papers leak government spitballs, scone recipes
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The Ferguson Report: Cabinet papers leak government spitballs, scone recipes

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ASIO FINDS TOP SECRET CABINET CABINETS

A set of filing cabinets full of government secrets was sold at a sale of second-hand furniture. Luckily, all four governments involved were second-hand.

“Rudd, Gillard, Abbott and Turnbull cabinet secrets were sold at over-valued prices,” said a nameless, faceless man with a very deep throat. “Scone recipes, lip balm, launch codes for Nerfballs… It’s hard to swallow.”

Speaking from a gloomy Parliament car park, he said, “We found a jar of spitballs with Bill Shorten’s fingerprints. And curiously, a family of rats.”

Double-Ex-PM Rudd said: “I am suing everyone, because I can afford to and also, why not?”

Ex-PM Gillard and Ex-Abbott-Abbott blamed each other for blaming each other.

Current-Ex-PM Turnbull didn’t comment due to a sore deep throat.

An ASIO spokes-whisperer said, “The case is solved. Most importantly, the baby rats are thriving.”

TRUMP STATE OF THE U-TURN

Full-time golfer US President Donald Trump stopped play to give a State of the Union speech.

Mr Trump read the Autocue with a hand gesture for each word, as if signalling a waiter for the bill.

A White House spokeswoman said: “The President was very statesman-like, in the sense that he was very much like a statesman, without the statesmanship. He threatened all the right people, started an arms race with nobody and promised to spend $1.4 trillion on walls. Big ones. Huge.”

The bunker-chip-shot enthusiast said, “This is our new American moment. And so is this… And so is this… And… wait for it…”

The President promised American moments will take longer than ever before. The spokeswoman said, “It’s true. Already, an hour with POTUS seems like an eternity.”

CITIZENSHIP SINKING

Federal Labor backbencher David Feeney has resigned from the Parliament over dual citizenship.

A Parliament spokeswoman has asked for calm during the endless citizenship crisis.

“Please stop screaming,” she said as politicians plummeted past her window. “We’ve passed the alarming phase, and we survived the ludicrous phase. We’re now entering the phase where it seems to make sense.”

The halls of Parliament are empty, accompanied by a rise in economic growth and jobs figures. “See?” said the spokeswoman. “There’s no government like no government.“

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