TRUMP TPP TBC

Amateur golfer Donald Trump paused mid-shot to declare he is open to the USA returning to the Trans Pacific Partnership.

“I honestly thought ‘TPP’ stood for something else – things I could grab,” he said. “I’m on tape praising the grabbability of ‘P’. And every ‘T’ is up for grabs.”

“But TPP is a trade deal?” said Trump. “My first strategy is always say the deal is terrible, terrible, terrible. The worst, sad, fake et cetera.

The 12-handicap said, “I haven’t read the deal. That’s not the art of the deal. But if we get a better deal – whatever it is – I would be open to TPP. Both meanings.”

FREEDOM-FIGHTERS FIGHTING FREEDOMS

Extreme right-wing vigilante groups plan to combat the African gang crisis-what-crisis. The skinheads will patrol neighbourhoods for your safety and comfort.

A white supremacist with crooked teeth, squinty eyes and a flat forehead said: “Ignore the swastika tattoos and pro-Hitler speeches. We will restore order in ways that are threatening but intimidating. Nazis aren’t nasty.”

Another supremacist with a bear-hair back and wing-nut ears agreed. “We are not ‘gangs’, we are ‘brotherhoods’. The only things we fear are common sense and ridicule.”

The right-wing group Blue Ball Bikers promise to take Australia “on a steep Anglo descent”.

SCEPTIC HARD TO BELIEVE

Weather sceptic Adelaide Professor Ian Plimer (from Adelaide) announced from Adelaide, “Just because I’m from Adelaide is no reason not to take me seriously.”

Speaking on Sky News for as long as he liked, Professor Plimer claimed the global rise in CO2 (which isn’t happening) is caused by underwater volcanoes (which don’t exist).

Sky News wind-chill denier Mark Latham told viewers, “He can’t prove it, but neither can you. Unless you desperately resort to science.”

Climate specialists confirm science is not from Adelaide.

TONY ABBOTT TIRED OF REPEATING HIMSELF AGAIN

Former speechless nodder Tony Abbott has denied striving to snatch leadership from alternative PM Malcolm Turnbull.

Abbott told fake journalists, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: ‘I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.’ There, I’ve said it. Again.”

He added, “While we’re on the topic, I could be PM easy.”

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