CORY BERNARDI’S LUKEWARM 100
Australian Conservative-Or-Bust leader Cory Bernardi’s ‘Hottest 100’ playlist hit a bum note. Defying musicians’ complaints, Bernardi has recorded his own versions of Aussie hits.
Skyhooks golden classic All My Friends Are Getting Married now includes the lyric “…Despite my warnings”.
His re-write of Kate Miller-Heidke’s hit Can’t Shake It is now You Shouldn’t Have Shaken It In The First Place.
Chrissy Amphlett’s song I Touch Myself is ‘No I Don’t’.
His version of What About Me? remains the same.
ALARMING FALSE ALARM ALARM
Hawaii and Japan are reeling from recent fake nuclear-attack warnings. The technicians who mistakenly warned millions via SMS that a missile was heading their way have been re-assigned.
US General Flashbang said, “To avoid confusion, those techs have been put in charge of US missiles. So, when they give a warning, you’ll know it’s real.”
SUGAR TAX SOURS
Purse-lipped Greens (as opposed to the more numerous tightly-purse-lipped Greens) claim a tax on sugar will stop the obesity epidemic.
“Soft drinks will be in plain packaging,” said a Greens spokeswoman, sucking on a lemon.
“They’ll be emblazoned with dire warnings – ‘2 Lumps Create 1 Big Lump’ and ‘Sugar Kills Smokers’. Bottles will have pictures of elephants, bloated babies and Donald Trump naked on a tricyle.”
A Greens member blamed parents. “If parents knew what was good for their kids, they wouldn’t have had them in the first place. I give my kids ‘Broccoli-pops’. You should see their happy grimaces.”
TURNBULL TRAVEL AT HOLIDAY PROPORTIONS
Stopgap Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull spent more time overseas than in Victoria, South Australia and Tasmania combined in the second half of 2017.
A government spokeswoman said: “Be realistic. Victoria doesn’t have a Point Piper mansion. South Australia is in the south of Australia – who goes there? Hobart has the MONA gallery. After that, it’s all downhill. Literally.”
This year, the prospective PM will spend most of his time golfing at Mar-a-Lago.
TRUMP’S ‘FAKE NEWS AWARDS’ GET REAL
US President Donald Trump has announced his Fake News Awards – ‘The Fakeys’ (like the Logies but with an audience).
CNN won the award for “Consistently Accurate Fakery”.
The runners-up were the CIA, FBI and planet Earth’s climate.
NON-EXISTENT AFRICAN GANG CRISIS STOPPED BY NON-EXISTENT WHITE UPRISING
AUSTRALIA DAY DATE TOO DRUNK TO CHANGE
REALISTIC PSYCHIC PREDICTS END OF WORLD ‘EVENTUALLY’
UNITING CHURCH STILL UNITING
ANTI-VAXXER DIES OF NATURAL CAUSES