The Ferguson Report: Santa Claus issues ultimatum after union dispute
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
SANTA CLAWS BACK THE CASH
Santa Claus has demanded payment for the millions of free toys.
“The days when Santa does it for free are over,” he said.
“I used to run a non-stop business thanks to exploitation of short people,” said Santa. “Now the helpers have union, I have to stoop to extortion.”
He scowled at the media.
“I know when you are sleeping. I know when you’re awake. Pay up, or next year you can get the presents yourselves. Buy them, wrap them, hide them under your tree …”
A spokes-elf whispered in Santa’s ear.
“Huh? That makes no sense,” said Santa. “What idiot would believe that?”
TRUMP ALMOST PRESIDENTIAL
US President Donald Trump has momentarily lapsed into seeming presidential. Giving an autocue speech that stayed on track, Mr Trump forgot to boast, fib and blame former president Barack Obama.
“It was accidental and unintentional,” said a White House insider. “Do not be alarmed! We have switched all White House televisions to CNN. The portrait of Hillary has been moved to the Oval Office. And we’ve un-blocked Bernie Sanders from his Twitter. He’ll soon be back to 140 characters of whirligig, knee-jerking whack-jobbery.”
GOVT SQUINTS, BUT CAN’T RECOGNISE ULURU
The First Nations National Constitutional Convention at Uluru has issued a statement. “We seek constitutional reforms to empower our people and take a rightful place in our own country.”
“Yeah-nah,” said the to-all-intents-and-purposes Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull through the gates of his mansion.
“And furthermore, nah-yeah. Acting upon the common-sense Uluru recommendations is complicated by the fact we don’t want to.”
A One Nation Front spokesman of mixed-but-mongrel descent agreed.
“If we hand them constitutable thingummy, they’ll act like they owned the place.”
CANNABIS TREATMENTS AT ALL-TIME HIGH
Cannabis-based medicines are creating thousands of disturbingly healthy criminals.
“Cannabis criminals are bounding from their sickbeds,” said a police spokeswoman. “Lock up your beanbags.”
A state-government minister who shall forever remain nameless said, “These ‘Canna-crims’ are self-medicating.”
She paused to fill her wineglass.
“They don’t ask a doctor …”
She dabbed salt on her wrist and licked it.
“… they don’t get prescriptions …”
She gulped a shot of tequila and sucked on a lemon.
“Apart from the health benefits, it’s not healthy.”
The police spokeswoman agreed.
“In the old days, these outlaws would be publicly stoned.”
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