News National The Ferguson Report: Trump soothes tensions in the Middle East
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The Ferguson Report: Trump soothes tensions in the Middle East

Tim Ferguson fake news
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
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FOREIGN DONATIONS SORT OF BANNED

Intermittent Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has announced a half-arsed ban on foreign donations to Australian political parties.

“The ban/guideline/hint is 100 per cent strict, kind of,” said Mr Turnbull. “It is completely, mostly and partly total. Foreigners can’t donate cash to a party, unless they send a letter. A letter! Nobody does that anymore.”

CHARITY CALAMITY

What’s left of the Turnbull government has appointed Gary Johns, a former Labor minister (now a labouring form of Munster) as the head of the Charities and Not-for-Profits Commission.

An avid anti-charity campaigner, Mr Johns has argued that single mothers on the dole should be required to take contraception (all at once). He’s described Indigenous mothers as ‘cash cows’ and attacked Indigenous charities for being Indigenous charities.

Mr Johns was head of NGOWatch at the Institute for Public Affairs (IPA). (The IPA is what happens to rich old men when even the greediest kids stop calling.)

Mr Johns spoke to fake media from his NGO-NGO-Mobile.

“Charities always want a handout. And when they get a handout, they give the handouts away!”

TRUMP DIMLY RECOGNISES ISRAEL

US President Donald Trump has formally recognised Jerusalem as Israel’s capital.

“This should calm things down,” he said. “I was going to soothe tensions between Israel and the Palestinians by sending free cans of gasoline and matches to every household.

“But the price of oil these days. Oy vey!”

DREAMS FROZEN FOR RUSSIAN OLYMPIC DOPEFULS

Russian Olympics officials are aghast at being banned from competing at the 2018 Winter Olympics over widespread doping breaches.

But an athlete said: “It’s all true. They don’t call it ‘ice hockey’ for nothing. And ‘speed skating’ was asking for trouble.”

A trainer agreed. “The only drug-free ones are the curling team. The curlers are totally straight.”

EARLY MAP OF AUSTRALIA LEFT UNFINISHED TO DISCOURAGE ARRIVALS

An early map of Australia has been restored at Melbourne University.

Created by master cartographer Joan Blaeu in 1663, the map was left incomplete to discourage illegal arrivals, a preoccupation of European invaders.

Sadly, the map was so incomplete nobody could find Australia for decades.

Tasmania was omitted for the sake of modesty. And they still can’t locate the front of Bourke.

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MAN WHO MARRIED HIS IPHONE PRONOUNCED MAN AND WIFI

 

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