TRUMP REBOOTS RETWEET REBUFF
US President Donald Trump has scoffed at complaints about his retweeting of right-wing extremist videos.
“Retweeting is not an endorsement,” Mr Trump said. “It’s merely wholehearted approval. It’s a wink. It’s a nudge. Or, to use my favourite term, a ‘grab’. Besides, some of those fanatical, screwball wingnuts are good people.”
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders claimed it doesn’t matter where the extremist videos came from.
“The threat is real,” she said.
The threat of extremists being comforted by presidential retweets is, apparently, less real.
PM A TOTAL BANKER
The alleged Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has accidentally taken command.
“We will not have a banking royal commission,” he said. “A royal commission is a bad idea. Therefore, we will have a royal commission.”
The temporary PM spoke as loud as the banks allowed, from his heavily-mortgaged mansion.
“I know I said a royal commission will reduce confidence in our banking system. So did the banks. But now the banks say it will increase confidence. So do I. Believe me. Please.”
“I am in charge,” said Mr Turnbull. “If that’s okay by the banks.”
The four major banks have demanded a top judge head the royal commission. A spokeswoman said: “We recommend a judge from Australia’s Got Talent. It’s between Dannii Minogue and Seal.”
To save time and taxpayer expense, the banks have already handed down the royal commission’s conclusions.
‘EVERYWHERE YOU GO, YOU ALWAYS TAKE THE WEATHER WITH SALT’
Despite warnings of unprecedented weather hitting Melbourne, a weather-skeptic claims: “Weather has always been unprecedented.”
Speaking from a rubber dinghy in Federation Square, the skeptic declared: “Weather has been breaking records since records began. Thus, records are bogus.”
A water-skeptic scuba diver surfaced to say: “Unprecedented weather warnings for this week are nothing to do with recent warnings of unprecedented weather.”
They were both washed away.
NORTH KOREA SUCCESSFUL PATIENCE TEST
A day after North Korea tested an intercontinental ballistic missile, US ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley warned the rogue nation that if war breaks out, it will be “utterly destroyed”.
North Korea leader Kim Jong-un asked for clarification. Haley replied: “Think of something that exists. It’s the opposite of that.”
“Huh?” said Kim.
Ms Haley tried again. “It’ll be like a squished hamburger, but without the atoms.”
“Think of the credibility of the Trump White House. It’s like that.”
Kim nodded and returned to his bomb-making.
In other news…
WEINSTEIN/ASSANGE TO SWAP ROOM AT ECUADOR EMBASSY
ANTI-VAXXER CLEARS ROOM WITH ONE COUGH
BITCOIN NOT A TAX PROBLEM … YET
PETER COSTELLO NARROWLY AVOIDS TAKING CHARGE
REIKI FAILS TO CURE GULLIBILITY