News National The Ferguson Report: Amazon launches by lowering price for Australia
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The Ferguson Report: Amazon launches by lowering price for Australia

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TURNBULL FULFILS PROMISE TO ‘MAKE GOVT SMALLER’

Sub-Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has succeeded in reducing his government to a dwindling minority.

“If we keep going like this, there will be no Turnbull government at all!” he said.

Conservatives have applauded his tactic of delaying government until there is a government.

“Closing Parliament is genius,” said a hard-right conspirator. “The best Parliament is no Parliament!”

The PM denied he was running scared.

“I’m crouching,” he said. “In my cupboard. In the dark. A classic attack tactic.”

TRUMP WAR OF WORDS INCREASES VOCAB

US President Donald Trump has upped the ante in his war of words with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.

“I started by calling him ‘Rocket Man’, said Mr Trump. “Then I accused him of ‘state-sponsored terrorism’. Next week I’ll drop the F-Bomb. After that, an actual bomb. Then it’s back to D’oh, D’oh, D’oh, D’oh, D’oh.”

MANUS ISLAND STORMED BY WELL-MEANING STORMTROOPERS

Immigration Minister Peter Dutton-To-Do-With-Me said: “Thank God. Manus Island has become someone else’s ugly and intractable problem. We have left the inhuman horrors, cruelty and face-flogging moral numbness to the next guy.”

Minister Dutton-Going-On-Upstairs blamed the Manus madness on Kevin Rudd.

“He’s been keeping it open for years.”

LACKING LEAKS FROM WIKILEAKS

WikiLeaks boss Julian Assange has denied he is in cahoots with Donald Trump Jr.

A spokesman confirmed: “They’ve never been anywhere near cahoots, not even close. They cahooted via email, wore cahooting hats and swapped recipes for Curry Cahoot. But you won’t know for sure until someone at WikiLeaks leaks the WikiTruth. And they’d never do that.”

AUSTRALIA THE MOUSE THAT SQUEAKED

Foreign-But-Very-Much-Australian Minister Julie Bishop’s new foreign policy White Paper has angered China.

China, a little-known country to our north, has unfairly claimed Australia is a “distant propaganda outpost” simply because it is. The Chinese complained that Australia complained that China is complaining about Australian complaining about Chinese military moves in the South China Sea – simply because we are.

China’s population is over 630 times bigger than Australia’s.

Bishop is anxious to avoid a 10-second war with China or worse, a 5-second trade war.

AMAZON SELLING AUSTRALIA CHEAP

Online behemoth Amazon has celebrated it official opening by sweetening the sale price of Australia.

“Buy Australia and you get a free Myer, David Jones or JB Hi-Fi.”

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