News National The Ferguson Report: Kevin Andrews puts foot in cakehole
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The Ferguson Report: Kevin Andrews puts foot in cakehole

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$1 MILLION STUNNING PUNT

The Anglican Church regrets betting their $1 million donation on the losing ‘No’ campaign in the same-sex marriage postal survey.

The Archbishop of Sydney, Glenn Davies, has vowed never to gamble again.

“This was worse than the recent ‘Rekindling’ debacle. God works in baffling and expensive ways. But still, the Church remains firmly on the noes.”

A purse-lipped Millennial spokeswoman said: “It was a waste of parishioners’ donations. In future, we’ll blow the cash on the poor, homeless and refugees. So gay … Oops.”

ANNING UP

Newly new senator, Fraser Anning, won 19 votes at the federal election.

Put another way, he won despite the 3,096,262 votes against him.

“I voted for myself, of course,” he said. “It’s a thrill to represent 5.2 percent of my own votes. If I’d voted twice, it’d be a landslide!”

Senator Anning plans to represent all Australians by keeping Malcolm Roberts out of his seat.

TONY ABBOTT CLAIMS TOTAL VICTORY

Former person of interest Tony Abbott has declared the same-sex marriage survey a success.

“38.4 per cent is huge!” he said. “It’s a moral victory, which is like a real victory without all the winning.”

MUGABE COUP COUP KACHOO

The 93-year-old Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe’s 37-year hold on power has momentarily loosened.

Army spokesman Sibusiso Moyo said: “This is not a military takeover of government. It’s a government military takeover. It’s not a coup. It’s a coup-coup-kachoo.”

To illustrate the relaxed mood, soldiers seized the state broadcaster and armoured vehicles blocked roads to the Parliament.

“Mr Mugabe is loving his surprise retirement,” said Moyo. “It couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloodthirsty genocidal dictator.”

Mr Mugabe plans to do a lot more phishing

KEVIN ANDREWS PUTS FOOT IN CAKE-HOLE

Liberal MP Kevin Andrews has claimed a Jewish baker should be able to refuse service to a Muslim couple and vice versa. “Why not?” he said.

Mr Andrews refused to accept that the same-sex marriage issue has been put to bed.

“Who is in the bed?” asked a spokesman. “Are they wearing pyjama bottoms?”

A right-wing spokesman flapped forward to clarify.

“Rainbow Cake is asking for trouble. Banana cake is okay, if it’s just one banana. Better-Than-Sex Cake is a no-no. The only thing better than sex is feeling guilty about it.” (not to mention the Sticky Date Pudding. Damn, I wasn’t supposed to mention that)

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