TRUMP DENIES SAYING THAT THING HE SAID, AGAIN
US President Donald Trump has denied telling a war widow that her husband “knew what he signed up for”.
“Even if I did – which I didn’t – I was told I didn’t – a lot of people are saying I didn’t – believe me – Obama did it – but if I did, I would say it better than anyone.”
To avoid trouble in the future, Mr Trump has agreed to offer his heartfelt condolences by reading them off Autocue.
HOMEOPATHY DISAPPEARING EVEN FURTHER
The federal government has banned the insurance covering scientifically unverified treatments, such as homeopathy.
Homeopaths are outraged (in a very small way). But some are optimistic.
“Zero subsidies can be highly effective,” said a homeopath nesting in a tree. “Zero is almost as effective as less-than-zero.”
A skinny-dipping homeopath agreed. “We can put the zero in a bottle where it will grow into many, many zeroes. Just like the zeroes on my invoices.”
EUTHANASIA BILL STILL ALIVE
The Voluntary Assisted Dying Bill for legal euthanasia has passed the lower house of the Victorian Parliament.
Its fate will be decided in the upper house by minor parties.
The Vote One Local Jobs Party must choose between assisting the suicides of potential workers and the hiring of ‘euthanazers’.
The Shooters & Fishers Party are expected to vote against. A spokes-hunter said: “We kill things with bills.”
An ALP spokesman said, “It’s what Nanna would want, if she could speak.”
NORTH KOREAN LETTER BOMBS
Foreign Minister Julie Bishop has revealed Pyongyang sent a letter to the Australian government, urging it to shun US President Donald Trump.
The letter warns: “The US should expect that it will face an unimaginable strike at an unimaginable time.”
A government spokeswoman said: “Nuclear weapons are imaginable. So, we’re expecting spit-balls and shaving cream. The most unimaginable time is thirteen o’clock on the Umpteenth of Movember. We are ready.”
“They mean business,” said Julie Bishop. “The letter was signed with a frowny-face emoji. No hugs, no kisses.”
TRUMP RECOILS FROM UNESCO, UN, TPP, NATO, WORLD
In a bold move of moving boldly, US President Donald Trump has shrunk from the world’s biggest organisations.
“America was teetering on the brink of world influence,” said a White House intern. “Thankfully, China and Russia are taking up the slack.”
NEW NZ PM DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED BY BALANCE OF POWER
NO-VOTER WHO DENIED NO-VOTE NOW HAS 2 GUILTY SECRETS
TAROT CARD READER CLAIMS ‘YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!”
BABY FORMULA RIOT STRENGTHENS BONES, TEETH
TONY ABBOTT JOKE WRITES ITSELF