News National The Ferguson Report: Privacy, who needs it anyway!

The Ferguson Report: Privacy, who needs it anyway!

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Privacy exposed

Alternative Prime Minster Malcolm Turnbull has defended his new Privacy-Schmivacy Laws.

“The spreading of every Australian’s ID photos to every nook and cranny is none of your business,” he said. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”

He described the current arrangement of private details being private as ‘privacy run amok’.

A Greens spokesplant said, “Private details should only be used as they always have been – for stalking and blackmail.”

An AFP spokesman spoke under cover of anonymity and his office desk.

“There won’t be a panic about detainment numbers because those detained may not disclose their detainment.”

But the PM said, “The only people affected will be the people it affects. Your personal details will be as safe as a census form.”

Hanson suddenly against ignorance

One Nation Front leader Pauline Hanson has demanded 18-year-olds be stripped of the right to vote.

A dual-passport One Nation spokesman said, “They’re ignorant. They whine and snarl and gripe. They live in a bubble of dumb.”

The spokesman hastily stressed he was talking about 18-year-olds.

US Senator says it’s too soon to discuss guns

“Not now when things are raw,” said US Senator Mitch McConnell.

“There’ll be a sweet spot for discussing gun-prohibition later.” Asked when the sweet spot might be, he said, “You just missed it. Gotta be quicker on the draw.”

Australian prisons totally straight

LGBTI activist Rodney Croome has written an article about Australia’s early convict prisons being havens of gay romance and sexy mannish hijinks.

Ex-priesthood-hopeful, Tony Abbott, has called the theory ‘Fake History’.

Speaking at a Dudes-In-Speedos barbeque, the ex-PM said, “The early convict prisons of Australia were 100 per cent hetero. It was thousands of straight blokes doing hard labour in the sunshine, day in, day out, just hot, sweaty, shirtless blokes being blokes. But not those kind of blokes, I mean the marrying kind. And not that kind of marrying, the normal dysfunctional hetero kind. The convicts were bent, but not in that way.”

Police swoop on quiet man who keeps to himself

Sydney police have detained a man known for being “quiet and unassuming”.

“He has all the attributes of a murderous psycho,” said a spokesman. “A good neighbour, always polite, perfectly normal in every way. He’s so quiet we had trouble finding him. Lucky we spotted him before his inevitable rampage.”

In other news …

CORY BERNARDI THOUGHT GOD WOULD BE ON HIS SIDE

THERESA MAY NOT

LIDDELL POWER PLANT SOLD ON ANTIQUES ROADSHOW

SHOCK JOCK CAN’T WAIT TO GET BACK TO RACE-BAITING

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