News National The Ferguson Report: Cory Bernardi says ‘No, no, a million times No’
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The Ferguson Report: Cory Bernardi says ‘No, no, a million times No’

tim Ferguson's Fake News You Can Trust
Tim Ferguson gives his take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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As part of his anti-same-sex marriage campaign, Senator Cory Bernardi will invade a million homes with ‘Robocalls’.

The Robocall is half-human/half-machine. Nationwide, the cyborgs will be knocking on doors (or kicking them open).

Robocalls will speak with Bernardi’s sexy, metallic voice. They will say “Changing the marriage act will limit the right of parents to object to radical gay sex education,” as if that is true.

Bernardi claims Robocalls are ‘normal’, but the recent Yes-Vote Robotweets are ‘effeminate, artistic and chatty’.

A 99% hetero spokesman said, “Robo-Tweets are #invasive and #unholy. The Bible clearly states that marriage is between a man, a woman and their Robocall.”

CRICKETER‘S WHAM-BAM WOBBLY

England vice-captain Ben Stokes allegedly appeared in a video showing the cricketer in a smack-down, balls-up street brawl.

Aussie fans said, “We’re shocked to hear that sportsmen are not allowed to bash the garbage out of whoever they want, especially English fans.”

Stokes’ field position will be changed to Silly Mid On, Silly Point or Just Plain Stupid.

ATM CHARGES DROPPED

After decades of daylight robbery, charges against ATM machines have been dropped.

Police questioned thousands of ATMs on charges of needless, greedy thievery and absurd two-dollars-a-pop penny-pinching bulltwang.

The machines have been released without having to repay the stolen cash ($500m per year).

Banks have demanded gratitude for cutting ATM fees.

Furious customers responded with helpless grumbles.

‘W’ IS FOR ‘WONDERFUL’

Thanks to US President Donald Trump’s ninnyhammer delinquency, former President George W Bush is regarded as a genius.

A Bush spokesman in a ten-millilitre hat said, “We now see the Iraq War as a good idea, presidential golfing as valid preparation for 9/11, and the non-existent WMD as real. Thanks, Trump!”

When asked about the North Korean missile crisis, he said, “At least Bush dragged the world into a needless war without the schoolyard name-calling.”

EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES HORSES

Immigration Minister Peter Dutton-To-See-Here claims Manus Island refugees are wearing Armani suits. “I call them ‘Armani refugees’. Their government-sanctioned suffering is made bearable by their fancy pants.”

The Minister, wearing a Gucci blazer and Manolo Blahniks, said, “Ignore their media statements. Look at their fashion statements.”

In other news …

AUSTRALIAN BUREAU OF STATISTICS BECOMING A STATISTIC

ABBOTT CLAIMS “SPORT IS SPORT” IN RECOGNITION THAT GAY SEX IS SPORTY

CORPORATIONS CLAIM TAXES ARE FOR POOR PEPOPLE

TRUMP CAN’T BELIEVE HE HASN’T NUKED THEM YET

NO-VOTING HETERO COUPLE ENJOY LEATHER, RUBBER, COLLARS, SPANDEX, PORN, ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSHES, ICE CUBES, ZUCCHINIS, CHILLI SAUCE