News National The Ferguson Report: Anti-burqa/breastfeeding activist can explain
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The Ferguson Report: Anti-burqa/breastfeeding activist can explain

Tim Ferguson fake news
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
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A senator for the One Nation Front has decried burqa head-coverings and public breastfeeding in the same breath.

“Faces should be nude. Boobs should not. We suggest boobs be covered in burqas, little ones. Covering your face is offensive. Un-covering your bangers is worse. And babies who breastfeed should hide their little heads in shame. Shame, babies, shame. We suggest a baby-burqa.”

BARNABY JOYCE SHOCK OF THE MOO

Kiwi-curious MP Barnaby Joyce announced: “Asia would see us as decadent if we embrace gay marriage, risking our cattle exports.”

“Barnaby’s right,” said a government spokesman.

“’Asia’, which is in Asia, is full of Asians who all think alike, Asian-style. They all think gay marriage is decadent. Ask any million of ‘em.

“Asians respect our Tinder/Grinder one-hour-stands. They admire our non-decadent personal habits: topless-bathing, amateur porn, drunkenness, bucket-bongs, footy team ‘bonding’, labradoodles, poodledoodles, doodles, Jäger Bombs, mankinis, vajazzling and the arts industry. But gay marriage? That’s so decadent.”

CONSPIRACY THEORIST HAPPY SOMEONE IS IN CONTROL

A pale and twitching conspiracy theorist has declared he has stopped worrying.

“I used to be scared of the evil tendrils of global domination. But I realised we can all relax – the World Trade Organisation, United Nations and Amazon are calmly controlled by hidden forces,” he said.

“They can fake moon landings, cover up 9/11 and make us believe the earth is round.

“Whatever the problem, the far-reaching claws of the Reptilian Elite will fix it.”

HATE SPEECH LAW UNSPEAKABLE

The ‘government’ has new laws against hate speech during the same-sex marriage postal survey.

The new laws make it illegal to use terms like ‘slack-jawed thump-numb think-phobic bigotry-pigs’, and ‘drug-addled dance-party sex-freak cow-marrying safe-schooled monsters’.

Other banned terms include ‘squinting prudish throwback’, ‘cringing whingeing busybody’ and ‘ABC Radio National host’.

The word ‘Yes’ can no longer be used to imply ‘progressive but patronising’. The word ‘No’ cannot imply ‘desperately holding back the inevitable while counting the seconds to the vengeful removal of Malcolm’.

‘LGBTQI’ will be extended to include the letters ‘WTF’ and ‘FFS’.

The arguable Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said: “This is a victory for all LGBTQIWTFFFS people.”

His leadership is within the margin of error.

In other news …

ANOTHER DEFECTIVE NORTH KOREAN MISSILE MISSES JAPAN

MEDIA LAWS PUT DIVERSITY IN RUPERT’S HANDS

FAKE NEWS LACKS UNBELIEVABILITY

PM IN POWER CRISIS POWER CRISIS

PAULINE HANSON ADMITS SHE FELT SAFER IN THE BURQA

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