The Ferguson Report: Pushing the envelope on gay marriage
Tim Ferguson gives his take on the week's news. Photo: TND
The High Court has decided the same-sex marriage survey will go ahead. The Court’s ruling states, “Each completed survey envelope must be licked by a man and a woman. Importantly, that man and woman must be two separate people.”
Activist lawyers were outraged at the restrictions. “What if the envelope doesn’t believe it’s an envelope? What if it’s package-curious? Or transitioning to a box?”
The High Court struck back. “The envelope must be like the envelopes used by our grandparents. (They have a 50 per cent chance of surviving the post.)”
“Scribbled dick & balls will immediately invalidate the vote, unless accompanied by scribbled boobs. Female boobs. Man-boobs don’t count.”
Thousands of homeless Australians cheered at the decision to spend $122,000,000 on the survey. A spokesman said, “At last, government money is being wasted wisely.”
LOGIES MOVE TO GOLD COAST TO RETIRE
The Logie Awards are retiring in the Gold Coast. A Logie ‘winner’ said, “The old gongs have earned their twilight years in sunshine and pokies.”
Back when people watched free-to-air TV, the Logies were highly regarded by people who won one. But today, doorstops can be bought at Bunnings without the hassle of making a TV show.
The Logies will be renamed “The Fogeys” and visited once a year by the grandkids.
NEW LAMB AD HARD TO BLEAT
Millions are offended by the latest advertisement for lamb. The ad mocks religious figures including Jesus, Ganesh and L Ron Hubbard. Worse, an agnostic is depicted as rational.
A spokeswoman for Meat & Livestock Australia announced, “We’re shooting a new commercial everyone will love!”
The new advert’s scenario:
A cow, lobster, chook, pig and duck are at a barbecue. They prepare to slaughter, cook and eat a lamb.
“Lamb is the only food we can agree upon,” says the duck.
“No, it isn’t,” says the lamb.
“We love our lamb,” says the chook.
“No, you don’t,” says the lamb.
“The lamb is killed and eaten,” said the spokeswoman, “as punishment for carrying on like a pork chop.”
SIZE ZERO MODELS TREATED LIKE NOTHING
Two French fashion labels will ban Size Zero models at Paris Fashion Week in the name of healthy bodies. They celebrated the ban by sharing a thimble of water and a chew-and-spit celery stick.
In other news …
ADANI MINE LESS POISONOUS THAN 2 ADANI MINES
ANTI-SAME-SEX ACTIVIST WANTS TO BE TREATED EQUALLY
TINDER GUY JUST LIKES SWIPING
CONSPIRACIST CLAIMS CHEMTRAILS MAKE US BELIEVE ANYTHING
PAULINE HANSON BLAMES EXTREME WEATHER ON WIND FARMS
