News National The Ferguson Report: No same-sex marriage please, we’re Australian
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The Ferguson Report: No same-sex marriage please, we’re Australian

tim Ferguson's Fake News You Can Trust
Tim Ferguson gives his take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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The new anti-same-sex marriage advertisement avoids mentioning same-sex marriage.

Instead, a trio of hetero-curious women warn voters against a random bunch of stuff. One woman warns, “Voting ‘Yes’ will cause hives, numbness, baldness, ingrown toenails and pox.”

A second woman claims, “My son came home from school with a case of tolerance. He was cured by watching an old tape of Pauline Hanson on Dancing With the Stars’. That would sap anyone’s acceptance of self-expression.”

A third woman stares into the camera. “Vote ‘No’ or your head will explode.”

Their next ‘Vote No’ commercial warns against open-mindedness, the zombie apocalypse and pimples.

Disturbingly, all the women were of the same sex.

MELANIA WILL DRESS FOR EXCESS

Melania Trump’s fashion faux pas of visiting the Texas floods in high-heels has been slammed as a “stiletto stinker”.

“I understand now – heels don’t float,” said the US First Lady. “Next time, I will wear a bikini and fishnets, for swimming and fishing.”

It was unclear what footwear the President was wearing, because he had both feet in his mouth.

KIM JONG WRONG-UN

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un, has smashed US President Donald Trump in a Fake News fact check.

Kim’s reckless boasts of missile tests have proven 100 per cent accurate.

But Trump’s boasts of “everything, all the time, believe me,” were judged ‘Trumpish’.

The Korean madman’s haircut registered a score of ‘Unbelievably Credible’.

The US President’s hair scored ‘Verifiably Marsupial’.

“The proof is in the pudding bowl,’ said a Fake Media spokesman. “Dingbat numbnuttery is more reliable than chest-thumpy goofballery.”

[WARNING: Fact-check was conducted by Andrew Bolt’s climate change adviser.]

ABC CHARTER BARTER

The One Nation Front and Prime Minister [Insert Name Here] have joined forces to change the ABC charter.

The national broadcaster must ditch its communist promise to be ‘accurate and impartial’, replacing it with the FOX News slogan ‘Fair & Balanced’. Seriously.

Prime Minister [To Be Announced] declared, “From today, every opinion will have an equal and opposite opinion. Proven facts will be matched by incoherent ramblings from gormless thug-knuckles. Climate science will be equal to crap taxi drivers say. Educated views will be combated by amusing car stickers.”

The ABC said the new rules are “totally wrong but absolutely right.”

In other news …

ANTI-VAX DOCTOR STOPS PRACTICING ANTI-MEDICINE

DERRYN HINCH AS AUSSIE ANY AMERICAN

AUSSIE CRICKET TEAM CLAIMS THE MONEY SPOILT THEM

COURT RULING: “BUT I’M FROM ADELAIDE” IS NO EXCUSE

‘ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR’ DOESN’T

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