The Ferguson Report: Pauline Hanson’s great strides
Tim Ferguson gives his take on the week's news. Photo: TND
Leader of the One Nation Front, Pauline Hanson, has caused outrage by wearing a burqa in the Parliament. “This is nothing,” she said, “tomorrow I will wear trousers.”
Gasps of shock echoed through the Senate chamber. “Most terrorists wear trousers when committing terror,” she said. “9/11, Charlie Hebdo, Osama Bin Whatsit – trousers, trousers, trousers.”
As the nation awaits Hanson’s sick trouser stunt, comedian Pauline Pantsdown denied involvement but issued an alarming warning – “My name’s ‘Pantsdown’. Think about it – things could get worse …”
TRUMP CONDEMNS NEO-NAZIS IN THE STRONGEST POSSIBLE WHATEVERS
The President of the United States, Donald J Trump, has given a speech reversing his speech which reversed his speech reversing the first speech he gave condemning all sides of the Charlottesville white supremacist riot.
“Like I said before I unsaid it – racism is evil,” said Mr Trump with an eye-roll. “And those who cause violence in its name are criminals, thugs and whatever the autocue says.”
Lollygagging his head from side to side, Mr Trump added: “That includes the KKK, neo-Nazis, yadda yadda yadda.”
The President stormed from the room to uncross his fingers.
EX-PM ARGUES AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE BECAUSE
Tony Abbott has published an article (surprisingly in the Murdoch press) detailing his arguments against same-sex marriage. “It’s bad. Firstly – because. Secondly – because because.”
Praising the 50 per cent success rate of the man/woman marriage tradition, the ex-PM listed more strong arguments against same-sex marriage. “One: Because I said so. Two: Because you know I’m right. Three: Because I know you are but what am I?”
MELBOURNE WORLD’S MOST LIVEABLE CITY
Melbourne has once again been named the World’s Most Liveable City by The Economist magazine. Melbourne was also voted the world’s most ‘bearable’, ‘tolerable’ and ‘forgivable’ city.
Melbourne’s Hoddle Street traffic was judged A Great Place To Spend A Few Hours Contemplating Your Life Choices.
BARNABY JOYCE FAILS KIWI-TRAP TEST
National Party leader Barnaby Joyce has failed the Immigration Department’s new citizenship test. He was unable to correctly pronounce “Tim Finn spilling invisible ink is thinly giving intrinsic mimics singing inklings.”
He will be deported to Manus Island.
In other news …
‘GAME OF THRONES’ EPISODE GRATUITOUSLY BEHEADED NAKED
BILL SHORTEN SEEN SKIPPING & WHISTLING
PAULINE HANSON CLAIMS ABC CELEBS ARE AS OVERPAID AS SHE IS
AFTER PROFIT SLUMP, TELSTRA PUT ON HOLD FOR HOURS
MOST LNP CABINET MEMBERS ELIGIBLE TO GOVERN ELSEWHERE
