News National The Ferguson Report: Turnbull’s hurry-up-and-wait policy
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The Ferguson Report: Turnbull’s hurry-up-and-wait policy

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AUSTRALIAN REPUBLIC

This week’s Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, has attacked ALP leader Bill Shorten’s push for an Australian republic.

“Too soon, too soon,” said Mr Turnbull. “I’ve always said a republic is inevitable. So, we just have to wait.”

He placed a copy of the Constitution on his desk, took a deep breath and drummed his fingers. “Any second now…”

Fake journalists leaned forward expectantly, but the PM shouted, “Back away! Inevitability takes time.”

An hour passed. Nothing.

“Ah well,” said the PM. “A watched Constitution never boils. Gay marriage, anyone?”

CBA IN THE DARK ABOUT BLACK MONEY

The Commonwealth Bank has been accused of turning a blind eye to millions of dollars of suspected black money running through its bank.

When questioned by fake media in a darkroom, a bank spokesman fumbled for a light switch.

“Who’s talking? I hear voices.”

Pressed to answer accusations, he said, “Black money? Where? Am I warm? Warmer? Cold? Colder?”

Investigations continue under cover of moonless night.

RICH/POOR GAP SHRINKING

Treasurer Scott Morrison has denied the gap between rich and poor is growing.

“The gap between houses on the hill and slums in the grotto is shrinking,” said Mr Morrison, “due to soil erosion and fracking. Thank you, Greens.”

GAY MARRIAGE NEITHER HERE NOR NOWHERE

LNP MP Tim Wilson refused to answer questions on Sky News about government squabbles over gay marriage.

“I’d rather talk about something else that actually matters to the Australian population,” said Mr Wilson.

An exasperated government spokesman agreed.

“Gay marriage is irrelevant to all Australians. As proof, we will stop the entire nation for a plebiscite vote,” he said.

“It’s worth the enormous expense ($160m plus the actual cost) to show how completely unimportant it is.

“Australians don’t care, and they’ll spend whatever it takes to prove it.”

POTUS & PM MANUS TO MANUS

The Washington Post has revealed transcripts of US President Donald J Trump’s first conversation with PM Malcolm Turnbull.

“This is the worst deal ever,” said the President.

“You’re too kind,” said the PM.

“What is the thing with boats?” asked Trump. “Why do you discriminate against boats?”

“Because picking on rubber dinghies would seem like pointless cruelty.”

When Turnbull said his government refuses to settle boat people in Australia, Trump said, “You are worse than I am!”

“Thank you,” said Turnbull.

In other news …

GINA RINEHARDT EARNED EVERY PENNY

CLIMATE DENIER CLAIMS MATHEMATICS IS FAKE

GOD CLAIMS ‘KNOWING’ SIN IS NOT THE SAME AS ‘WATCHING’

TONY ABBOTT IN IT FOR THE PEOPLE OF WARRINGAH

GOLDFISH PREPARING TO VOTE LABOR

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