Feminists have hailed US First Lady Melania Trump as a role model for pretty women who don’t talk much.

“Like any proud lady, she remains silent, eyes downcast,” said a spokeswoman. “Dawdling behind her cat-grabbing husband is every girl’s dream.

“In the old days, Melania scowled, refused to move into the White House and slapped her husband’s feline-feeling hand away. But now she has bravely knuckled under.”

At a recent rally, Mrs Trump raised a cue-card declaring, “I am woman – hear me stand mute.”

She looked great.

ROBERTS REJECTS CITIZENSHIP AS HALAL

Members of parliament are being fired due to their foreign citizenship. One Nation Reject Store Senator Malcolm Roberts has hit back at demands he leave Parliament.

“Citizenship is a foreign concept,” he said. “It’s Halal. Even worse, it’s French.”

Mr Roberts denied he is a UK citizen.

“It’s Un-Australian to be Non-Australian. I’m as Australian as the next guy. Unless that guy is Scott Ludlum, Matt Canavan, Larissa Waters, Barnaby Joyce, Steven Ciobo, Julia Banks, Tanya Plibersek.”

These MPs with migrant heritage all denied being French.

TRUMP FULFILS TRANSGENDER PROMISE

US President Donald Trump has fulfilled his promise to defend transgender Americans.

“Now they’re banned from the military, they’ll be safe, so safe. No more danger,” he said.

The President has also fulfilled his promise to avoid playing golf during his presidency.

“POTUS is not playing golf,” said a wide-eyed caddy. “He’s very serious about it.”

SHEEN’S CONVINCINGLY FAKE 9/11 MOVIE

Charlie Sheen once claimed, “The official 9/11 story is a fraud.” To prove it, the actor is starring in a fake movie, 9/11.

His performance as a man trapped in the Twin Towers is convincingly unconvincing.

To underline the fakeness, 9/11 stars two of Hollywood’s funniest actors, Whoopi Goldberg and Showgirls actress Gina Gershon.

Yes … Showgirls.

SCARAMUCCI TALKS REAL QUIET

New White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci told fake journalists they have “such pretty faces”.

The tough-talking Italian New Yorker expressed concern.

“It’d be a shame if something happened to them.”

ONE NATION CLAIMS SCIENCE IS “SCIENCE”

A One Nation spokesman has insisted on using air-commas when he says ‘science’.

Speaking to fake journalists, he said, “If ‘science’ is ‘real’, why are cows purple?”

The spokesman agreed with the ‘scientific’ method.

“Peer-reviewed research is 100 per cent valid, if your peers are bikies, drunk or from Townsville.”

In other news …

‘THE BACHELOR’ HOPES TO MEET A SKINNY BLONDE

FAME − HUNGRY MISFIT DRAMA TEACHER CLAIMS IT’S A THING DESPITE 13 YEARS OF SCHOOLING

YOUTHS CAN’T TELL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “YOUR” AND “YOU’RE”

SHOCK AS DOG GIVES LOOK OF DISAPPROVAL

OBAMACARE IN ROBUST HEALTH