News National The Ferguson Report: The advantage of not speaking Trumpian
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The Ferguson Report: The advantage of not speaking Trumpian

Tim Ferguson fake news
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
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‘DOCTOR WHO’ RENAMED ‘DOCTOR WHAT’

Single male nerds are baffled by the sex of the new Doctor Who, actress Jodie Whittaker.

“The new Doctor is unlike anyone we know,” a nerd spokesman said. Sporting a pigtail and facial hair anomaly, the comfortably overweight nerd frowned.

“Two mysterious chest lumps, a high voice, a flat groin… It’s like looking at my RPG avatar.”

Responding to suggestions the new Doctor is a woman, the spokesman snorted. “A woman doctor? As if.”

ILLICIT HOME AFFAIRS

Chief Potato Head Peter Dutton has taken the reins of the new Home Affairs Ministry, a body that will cover the Australian Federal Police, ASIO and whatever.

Kim Jong-Dutton announced “The ministry is gigantic but sprawling, dominant yet powerful.

“It’ll protect Australians from everything, except privacy and a budget surplus.”

The super-minister whispered: “The only thing to fear is everything. And us.”

MELANIA STOPS SPEAKING ENGLISH

The Japanese first lady, Akie Abe, seemingly avoided conversation with US President Donald Trump by not speaking English. Staying silent at a recent function, the fluent English-speaker dodged a conversation with Trump about Trump.

A White House insider told The New Daily: “Now Melania is pretending she can’t speak English. POTUS is convinced, because he’s never listened to her.”

Trump gave a speech to Republican Senators, ordering them to vote for Trumpcare. They tilted their heads, grinned sheepishly and shrugged saying, “Nyet”.

‘SENSIBLE CENTRE’ AT ALL ENDS OF THE SPECTRUM

The alternative Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull claimed: “Pyne to the left of me, Cory to the right – I’m stuck in the sensible centre with you.”

Standing precariously over a barbed wire fence, the here-today-gone-today PM said, “I’m trying to be all things to all old white men. A left-wing conservative and right-wing socialist. What’s not to like?”

GREENS SENATORS ENDANGERED

The German-inspired Greens political party is at risk of extinction. Benevolent Leader Richard Di Natale said, “We lost two Senators in a week. I blame global warming and stupidity. If things keep going as they are, they’ll keep going as they are. No amount of prudish self-righteousness will save us.”

RBA WTF

The Australian dollar plummeted following off-the-cliff comments by Reserve Bank deputy, Guy Debelle. Reacting to panicked markets, Debelle said, “I don’t know how these rumours get started.”

TONY ABBOTT SILENT MAJORITY ALSO INVISIBLE

STARSIGNS MIX-UP HAS ZERO EFFECT

CLIMATE DENIER SAYS “WHAT CLOUDS?”

NBN NEARLY AS EFFECTIVE AS STRING BETWEEN TWO TIN CANS

CHEMTRAIL VAPOUR EXPOSED AS JUST VAPOUR

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