WORLD’S MOST DANGEROUS PLACE IS WITHIN 10 METRES OF POTUS
Proximity to US President Donald Trump has become treacherous.
A US Secret Service agent has told fake media, “I accidentally made eye contact with the President.
“Now, whenever I reach out to my wife, she slaps my hand away. I get the feeling she married me for my money.”
A Whitehouse cleaner came within cooee of POTUS and is now under indictment for Russian hacking and pussy-grabbing.
“I don’t even like cats,” he said.
FLAT EARTH THOUGHT BUBBLE POPS
A Flat Earth guesswork expert shocked scientists when she declared, “The earth is not flat”.
A CSIRO spokeswoman expressed relief.
“Phew! We were worried Galileo was crazy, Stephen J Hawking’s words are just an app and global warming is shaped like a ping-pong table.”
But the Flat Earth Denialist presented a new theory.
“The Moon is flat. That’s right – the Moon. We admit the Moon’s a circle, but it’s flat as a frisbee. That’s how they got it up there in the first place.”
MINING MAGNATE APOLOGISES FOR CAUSING END OF CIVILISATION
An Australian mining magnate has broken down at a press conference.
“I have to balance making money-for-nothing against contributing to the coal-generated rise in global temperatures that will destroy us all.”
The magnate pities innocent coal miners.
“The poor things can’t re-skill. They construct complex excavation systems and transfer millions of tons of coal from the bowels of the earth to generation plants. How are they supposed to survive a TAFE course in plumbing?”
LIBERALS IN MODERATE CRISIS
Prime Minister Of The Week Malcolm Turnbull sparked a crisis by describing the Liberal Party as “liberal”.
The LNP brawl is between the “non-existent” factions of the “united” party: Conservatives, Moderates and Tony Abbott.
“Moderates moderate the Conservatives who radically progress the Conservative battle against Moderation. Backwards,” Mr Turnbull said.
Temporarily ex-prime minister Tony Abbott replied, “Bulltwang, fancy boy. Liberals are liberal without the liberality. Duh.”
Mr Turnbull sobbed: “I refuse to conserve Conservatism, and Moderation is too radical.
“Please like me.”
“I like you,” said the intermittently loyal Christopher Pyne.
He was face-palmed away.
ANTARCTIC ICE SHELF SEPARATES FROM REALITY
A one trillion-tonne iceberg has broken away from the Ice Shelf in Antarctica. But One Nation denial-denialist Senator Malcolm Roberts claimed it did not exist.
“It’s like that fantasy movie, Titanic. As if.”
IN OTHER NEWS:
DONALD TRUMP JR HIRES LAWYERS TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM HIMSELF
BILL SHORTEN BUYS LOTTERY TICKET
NORTH KOREA MAY NOT HAVE THOUGHT THROUGH DEATH STAR DEFENCE
WINDFARM COMMISSIONER CAUSES MYSTERIOUS HEADACHES
ONE NATION ISOLATED