The Ferguson Report: Abbott doubles down on denials
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
TONY ABBOTT DENIES DENIALS
PM-hopeful Tony Abbott has denied causing mayhem with his recent anti-LNP outbursts. “I never done nothing no time ever no way. My words have been twisted,” he said. “When I said ‘Malcolm is a commo guttersnipe spine-weasel’, I clearly meant the opposite.”
A tearful Josh Freydenberg claimed Abbott was delivering government to the Labor Party.
“Really?” said Abbott. “On a bicycle?”
GREENS CRISIS MEETING KILLS CANARY
A seventeen-day Greens crisis meeting caused high levels of toxicity, leading their safety canary to kill itself.
Former Stalin enthusiast Senator Lee Rhiannon claimed she tawt she taw a puddy tat.
The meeting continues…
PAULINE’S SCANDALOUS DRONING
Senator Pauline Hanson of the One Nation Scratchies Party, will be interviewed by the Civil Aviation Safety Authority (CASA) over a drone-operating incident.
A spokesman said: “It’s fine for Pauline to control tax law and the military, but flying drones can be dangerous.”
TRUMP CALLS FOR RATIONALITY AND CALM
The US President Donald Trump has warned G20 leaders against overreacting to North Korea’s intercontinental missile launch.
“Let’s not be slapdash and bullish,” said Trump.
Shouting at fake journalists, the President complained, “My job is more difficult than anyone knew. I have to simultaneously beat my chest, jerk my knee and shoot my mouth off. On top of that I gotta to inflame the situation while riding rough-shod over history. Add tweeting and trolling, I’m stretched too far!”
Trump pointed a tiny finger at the fake media. “I’m so frustrated, I could grab something.”
CRICKET WORKERS PROTEST
Millionaire Australian Cricket players have boycotted playing South Africa in protest at the government’s axing of penalty rates.
BERNARD TOMIC BORED SHOTLESS
Whacking a tennis ball back and forth, back and forth, back and forth has for some reason left Bernard Tomic bored.
A spokeswoman said, “Poor Bernard. Even the endless forehand/backhand/forehand/backhand/forehand … lob … backhand/forehand/backhand has lost its lustre.”
CAFÉ OWNER SPENDS PENALTY RATES ON NEW WORKERS
An enterprising small businessman has thanked the momentary Turnbull Government for axing penalty rates.
“If my cafe was under-staffed before, I couldn’t have opened. Duh!” he said. “So I kept the Sunday team the same and spent the savings on hiring short-term employees: lap-dancers and sex workers. That’s trickle-down.”
In other news…
NORTH KOREA MISSILE CAPABLE OF REACHING LAUNCESTON MAKES NO SENSE
BILL SHORTEN SEEN STANDING VERY VERY VERY STILL
ONE NATION VOTER COINCIDENTALLY RACIST
CELINE DION’S ‘NUDE COVER’ A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING
‘NIPPLES ARE OFFENSIVE’ CLAIMS MAN WITH NIPPLES
