TRUMP SQUEEZES CLIMATE PUSSIES
US President The Donald Trump has watered down the Paris Climate Accord. “It’s the worst, baddest accord ever,” he said while squeezing French President Macron’s hand until he cried. “America is the world’s second-biggest emissions maker. We will be number one!”
WHAT THE COVFEFE?!
After the success of his new fake word ‘Covfefe’, President Trump announced he will invent more fake words.
“My other nonsense terms include ‘Gerfumpf’, ‘Kramungle’ and ‘Climate change is real'”.
FOX NEWS ACCIDENTALLY MOMENTARILY FAIR AND BALANCED
Fox News host Hannity apologised to Rupert Murdoch for accidentally saying “medicare saves lives”.
Hannity was smacked with a paddle on the bare buttocks by a robed producer while pleading, “Please, sir, may I have another”.
He was given another. And another. And another.
BALLS IN MARGARET’S COURT
Tennis veteran Margaret Court claims the sport is “full of lesbians”.
A tennis spokeswoman confirmed, “Lesbians are indeed everywhere. I found one in my fridge. It’s because female tennis players are so fit. They’d turn anyone.”
Ms Court, a Pentecostal Christian Minister, went on to say transgender and non-binary children were “all the devil”. A spokesman for Satan slammed this idea, saying “Lucifer is a grown-up”.
An official from Australian Cricket was quick to stagger from the member’s lounge to claim “Aussie male cricket team has been 99% lesbian-free for months”.
YOUNG LIBERAL’S AGE-OLD CRISIS
Young Liberals have been struck by an existential crisis. A spokesman spoke to media from his father’s yacht. “We’re young. We’re conservative. But where do we go from here? In my old age, will I become hyper-conservative? Join a bikie gang? Move to Gympie?”
The spokesman gulped his martini and shrugged in desperation. “I’m already wearing a bow-tie and a captain’s cap. My only other option is a safari suit.”
PAULINE HANSON VS ABC
The leader of the One Nation money-making venture has demanded the ABC be swapped for a fleet of planes. A nervous young spokesman stopped counting cash to say, “We may need to get out of town in a hurry. Again.”
In other news:
AUSTRALIAN KIDS EVEN DUMBER THAN THEIR PARENTS
TIGER CHUCKS A WOBBLY
COMMUNITY RADIO HOST SAYS ‘UM’ A LOT
TONY ABBOTT CAN’T MAKE IT ANY CLEARER WITHOUT EXCESSIVE SPRAY TAN
BRITISH PM REFUSES DEBATE DUE TO SMUGNESS
SO REAL IT’S GOTTA BE FAKE:
‘They’re all blokes … do you think there’s a link between testicles and terrorism?’ – Deputy Prime Minister Barnarby Joyce [Sky News, 1.6.17].