The Ferguson Report: Banks lead by example in age of hand-washing

Tim Ferguson
Mar 20, 2020, updated Mar 20, 2020

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

TOM HANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

US actor, Tom Hanks was harshly criticised by outraged Australians after he posted a photo of toast he’d thickly smothered in Vegemite.

The good news is Australians have nothing else to worry about.

“I was scrolling past tweets about some beer-based virus in search of something important,” said an extremely ordinary Australian.

“When I saw Tom Hanks had smothered Vegemite onto a piece of toast, I panicked. I ran and bought 1000 jars of Vegemite to hide behind my wall of Ultra absorbent three-ply.”

A Tom Hanks fan hiding in a milk crate said, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna catch.”

PM CLAIMS MILLIONS OF AUSTRALIANS ARE UN-AUSTRALIANS

PM Scott ‘Flushable Wipe’ Morrison has called the millions of Aussies hoarding toilet paper “un-Australian”. Their passports will be revoked. He called for people to selfishly hoard calmly.

But Australians are easily scared, especially the ‘plucky larrikins’ and ‘true-blue Aussies’ who have raided supermarket shelves.

The PM said, “Hoarding is not who we are as a people,” when clearly it is.

He added, “I can’t be more blunt about it,” when clearly he can.

BIG BANKS BEHAVIOUR IS UNPRECEDENTED… AGAIN

The Reserve Bank has cut interest rates by 0.25 per cent. The Commonwealth Bank has matched it exactly with a cut of 0.7 per cent.

“I saw what you did there,” said a customer.

“No, you didn’t,” said a banker.

A banking CEO who will remain priceless said, “We wash our hands of any wrongdoing, then we leave our customers high and dry.”

“These are unprecedented times, and they call for unprecedented measures,” said Commonwealth Bank CEO Matt Comyn, between chuckles and snorts.

The other banks have not cut their interest rates. This is not unprecedented.

GOVT SAYS SCIENCE IS SUDDENLY A GOOD THING

Governments of the world are trusting scientists to invent a cure for the coronavirus, but not a cure for climate change.

A government spokesman said, “Scientists are evildoers bent on linking climate change to the things that cause climate change. But we’ll listen to them just this once.”

A UN spokesman said, “Scientists are very un-UN.”

A Sky News denial-denier pulled his head out of another Sky denier. “We need scientists to stop dishonestly claiming they have a plan to save the world, and get to work on a plan to save the world.”