The Ferguson Report: Canberra makes a hash of going to pot

Tim Ferguson
Oct 18, 2019, updated Oct 21, 2019

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

ASSANGE SPRINGS A BARNABYLEAK

Julian Assange has been dealt a disastrous blow by Barnaby Joyce MP taking his side.

Joyce said Australia must prevent the extradition of Julian Assange from the UK to the US, and other unhelpful things.

Assange has distanced himself from Barnaby by remaining 15,000 kilometres away.

Assange claims to be a ‘journalist’, despite his occasional bloggings being rambling rhetoric with way too many semicolons; the grammatical symbol for ‘I can’t end a sentence’; and so forth.

Julian said, “I need Barnaby Joyce like a hole in my arguments.”

DISCOVERY OF WATER ON DISTANT PLANET A WORLD THIRST

Nerds celebrated the discovery of water on planet K2-18b, suggesting it’s inhabitable by humans or Donald Trump.

But some 20-somethingorothers resisted the notion of moving to the planet. A Millennial moving his parents’ widescreen TV into his bedroom said, “I won’t go until my parents buy a house there.”

The planet is believed to be located in the “habitable zone” somewhere between the spare room and the toilet.

CANBERRA CBD TO CONTAIN CBD

The ACT government has legalised marijuana as if Canberra isn’t smoking it anyway.

There will be a limit of four plants per household – the Upper House, the Lower House, old parliament house and the garden shed at Lodge.

An antisocial pot smoker said, “I’ve lost the ability to count how many plants I have. It’s the end of the world as we vaguely recall it.”

Warning labels will be added: smoking this product may cause you to care very little about whether this product harms you.

Medical scientists predict that Canberra will become even more disorganised and useless.

GETUP! ANDGO!

GetUp! boss Paul Oosting has accused the Morrison government of twisting facts to suit itself, a bit like a grassroots organisation secretly boosting a major political party.

Oosting complained about voters’ cynicism. “It’s like politics is something that’s been tried and failed and they’ve given up.”

But it’s not all good news.

A fake journalist asked, “Aren’t you into grassroots?”

A GetUp! GetOut! activist said, “Unlike grassroots, we don’t squirm downwards in the dark, foraging in the dirt for new depths, supporting something green. No… wait…”