DUTTON GROWS AU PAIR

Fatherland Minister Peter Dutton-To-Do-With-Me has denied that granting two visas for his mates’ au pairs is a conflict of interest.

“He’s neither conflicted nor interested,” said a spokes-cop in a maid’s outfit.

“Peter couldn’t just do it for one. He had to do it for au pair.”

The spokes-cop dropped the microphone and said, “Try the potato, I’m here all week.”

POLITICAL ASSASSINATION? OVER HIS DEAD BODY

Former onion-enthusiast Tony Abbott has declared “the era for political assassination” is over. He didn’t explain how he could be so sure.

A nameless man in a hunting jacket warned, “If you think it’s over, you are the target.”

Members of the government’s Extreme Moderates faction tip-toed behind Abbott.

“Be vewy, vewy qwiet,” said one severely Moderate MP who wished to remain remaining. “We’re hunting wascally Abbotts.”

GOOGLE-EYED MONSTER

US President Donald Trump says Google’s search engine is hiding “fair media” coverage of him.

A Whitehouse intern familiar with the situation said, “Google search ‘porn’ and you get ‘POTUS’. Same goes for ‘Penthouse Letters’, ‘Shaved Orangutan’ and ‘Game of Thrones Littlefinger’.”

A Whitehouse staffer familiar with being familiar said, “The President can google anyone anywhere. When you’re a star, they let you do it.”

Fake journalists asked if the President had any better things to do than Google his own name. Someone familiar with the president’s thinking ran screaming from the room.

SCOMO-VER GETS HAIRY

The Scott ‘Scomo-ver’ Morrison government has announced it will abandon all efforts to lower carbon emissions.

A Cheshire Cat in a tree said, “It’s his ‘Extremely-Short-Term Plan’. It will last until the next election or until we get a new PM. A very short time indeed.”

AN ABC journalist made a speech ending with a question mark. “But isn’t the drought caused by climate change which is caused by CO2 which is caused by Sky News?”

“Yes,” said the Cat. “The drought is an existential threat to the nation. But power prices are an existential threat to us.”

Freshly gaslighted Energy Minister Angus Taylor promised to reduce power prices “while we keep the lights on.”

He was swiftly marked as a Prime Minister of the extremely-short-term future.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST SAYS CHEMTRAILS MAKE YOU PARANOID

NICK KYRGIOS UMPIRE ALSO DOES MARRIAGE COUNSELLING

BANKS RAISE INTEREST RATES TO TEACH US A LESSON

DUTTON WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO LOSING THE NEXT ELECTION