News Election 2019 The Ferguson Report: The Coalition becomes a party of one
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The Ferguson Report: The Coalition becomes a party of one

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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Prime Minister Scott ‘I’m not Bill Shorten’ Morrison is the only man in the government seen running for election.

A Liberal campaign spokeswoman floating past on a deckchair said, “Having only one candidate is simpler and cheaper – Peter Dutton is on the nose, Tony Abbott is on the run and Eric Abetz reminds voters of Eric Abetz.”

The government’s female candidates have either taken a vow of silence or are doing their campaigns in mime.

Liberal rising/falling/shouting star, Michaelia Cash has announced she is miming an invisible wall.

ODDS SHORTEN ON SHORTEN

The PM has announced a new policy: “I am not Bill Shorten!”

Bill Shorten disagreed: “If Scomo’s not Bill shorten, why is he so unpopular?”

The Prime Minister has refused to release the costings of not being Bill Shorten.

He said, “What are the costs of not being not Bill Shorten?”

MAJOR PARTIES SACK ALL CANDIDATES

The Liberal Party has fired another candidate, adding to the long list of major party fuglies who have been taken off the ballot because they are racist, homophobic, misogynist or like most politicians.

“We’ll get more done in an empty parliament,” said a recently outed insider inside the outer.

“The parliament will be populated by real people, mostly cleaners and that bloke who switches the lights off.”

DON’T MENTION THE TRADE WAR

Donald Trump has imposed a tariff hike on $US200 billion of Chinese goods as if it’s a good idea.

“It’s win-win-lose-lose-get-disqualified-win,” said this week’s White House Chief of Staff as he typed his resume.

“This mean Americans will spend more on Chinese stuff they were going to buy anyway. We’re driving a hard bargain off the road.”

BRASS TAX

Labor has announced a plan to deliver a bigger, bubblier, brassier budget surplus.

A Labor spokeswoman wearing your shirt said: “Our plan is simple – we’ll increase taxes by $154 billion.

“Read my lips – no new taxes apart from all the new taxes,” she said.

GENDER FLUIDITY A STICKY ISSUE

Labor leader Bill Shorten has announced a Labor government will appoint a Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity Commission that identifies itself as ‘a government body in transition’.

Old, white heterosexual males clutched their stubbies in fright.

An ultra-conservative throwback from the time before man-buns said: “This is a kick in the non-defined reproductive thingamajigs.”

“I yearn for the days when men were men, unless they went on band camp,” he said.

Labor promises to supply all Australians with free gender fluids.

In other news…

IZZY FOLAU IN HELL BUT NOT IN THAT WAY

ARTS DEGREE FINALLY USEFUL AS HANDY TOWELETTE

SHORTEN PARADOXICALLY BELIEVES IN CANBERRA BUT NOT HELL

ROYAL BABY NAMED ‘ARCHIE’ BECAUSE IT’S BETTER THAN ‘JUGHEAD’ OR ‘VERONICA’

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