News Tim Ferguson Report : Reliably unreliable political predictions for 2022
Updated:

Tim Ferguson Report : Reliably unreliable political predictions for 2022

Tim Ferguson
Tim Ferguson takes you through some very real election predictions and headlines from the week. Photo: AAP
Share
Twitter Facebook Reddit Pinterest Email

FAKE POLITICAL PREDICTIONS FOR 2022

To ensure The Ferguson Report’s predictions are reliably unreliable, we consulted only psychics, naturopaths and Clive Palmer.

  1. The election will be won by whichever major party can suck up to the Independents, the Greens, Pauline Hanson, Craig Kelly and other people they normally wouldn’t be seen dead with.
  2. The minority government will be made up of minorities, including old white men and old white women.
  3. The trust fund hipsters of Byron Bay will be washed away by rising oceans. But it’s not all good news.
  4. The QAnon Party Till You Drop Dead Party will win a seat in Parliament, proving once and for all the election was rigged.
  5. The government will instigate a royal commission to discover where all the anti-vaxxers went.

WHAT THEY NEED IS A DAMN GOOD Wi-Fi

A Millennial has declared 2021 “the worst year ever”.

Previous years of world wars, famine and economic depressions pale in comparison to recent harrowing delays of hot food deliveries.

CLOSE CONTACT OF THE 3RD KIND

PM Scott Morrison has redefined his re-definition of ‘close contact’. Again.

A government minister explained in an eye-watering centrefold super-spread. “Scomo now speaks only in knee-jerks: One kneejerk for ‘No’. Two kneejerks for … ‘No’.”

The PM clarified his re-re-re-definition by urging Australians to “keep moving”, “stand still”, “get out of the house”, “stay indoors” and “for God’s sake put on some pants!”

“He’s covered all the bases,” said a spokeswoman speaking via Zoom on a crowded dance floor in ICU.

The 3 Kinds Of Close Contact are:

1st kind – Eye contact which could lead to eye-contacts.

2nd kind – Close contact which could lead to dancing.

3rd kind – Any prime ministerial action which could lead to leading.

FIRE EXTINGUISHED BY OLD PARLIAMENT HOSE

Dozens of Canberra protesters have called themselves “Millions March Against Mandatory Vaccinations” because “Billions” would be overreaching.

They live-streamed a fire at Old Parliament House which they had nothing to do with, honest.

Authorities say the fire was sparked by random spontaneous combustion.

Or matches.

The protest was a great success, due to Australia’s complete lack of mandatory vaccinations.

In other news…

  • GALLONS OF HOMEOPATHIC FLUID WASTED ON LOAD OF WASHING
  • FREEDOM MARCHERS WILL PROTEST AS SOON AS THEY GET BACK FROM HOLIDAY
  • CONSPIRACY THEORIST SHOCKED TO HEAR G5 WILL BE REPLACED BY AN EVEN MORE DEADLY G6
  • WINE CONNOISSEUR NOTICES BERRY OVERTONES & OAK HINTS, BUT FAILS TO IDENTIFY OVERWHELMING TASTE OF GRAPES