News The Ferguson Report: Bishop becomes a pawn of the COVidiots
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The Ferguson Report: Bishop becomes a pawn of the COVidiots

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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ANTI-FACTS ARE BECOMING INFECTIOUS

An anti-vaccination activist has declared the coronavirus is an endangered species that deserves to live.

Climate sceptics claim the virus is a leftist conspiracy, like the solar system.

Conspiracy theorists claim it’s what they predicted right after it happened.

Oddly, anti-vaxxers, climate sceptics and conspiracy nerds are all picky about which scientific facts they believe.

For example, climate sceptics believe in carbon, but only when it’s burning. Anti-vaxxers believe in the benefits of penicillin, but only when it’s pureed in vegan mushroom gruel. Conspiracy theorists believe the moon is round (seriously, they do!)

“We cherry-pick science because cherries are a Vitamin C superfood,” said an anti-vaxxer mum scratching her life-affirming skin rash.

“The Periodic Table of Elements is a lie, except for iron, zinc and quinoa.”

Meanwhile, Homeopaths are busy infecting all their clients with just a little tiny bit of watered down coronavirus. Results have been “hugely negligible”.

CONSPIRACY THEORY COULD BE A CONSPIRACY

Former Australian Liberal minister Bronwyn ‘Beehive With Actual Bees’ Bishop has appeared on Sky News at a social distance from common sense.

Before anyone could stop her, Bishop suggested China deliberately created COVID-19. “It is to get rid of non-productive [citizens],” said Ms Bishop, “so they don’t have to be fed.”

The formerly sensible Bishop also said China planned to “export the virus into the United States” and “test whether or not it is possible for this sort of action to send the rest of the world into recession”.

Presumably, the “test” has worked so well, there’s no need to try it for real.

[Note: Any resemblance the views of loopy squirrel-chasers sprouting fist-chewing twaddle have with those of Sky News is coincidental.]

FASHION IS NO LONGER FASHIONABLE

Scientists have called on everyone to stop wearing fashionable clothes only once. As fashionistas scramble to dress in the latest trends (currently 1980’s rip-offs), landfills are up to their diamante neckerchiefs with ‘old’ new clothes.

A fashion designer dressed as a spray-tanned toothpick hit back. “Landfill is the sickly brown of this summer.”

In other news …

WARNING: EASTER BUNNY REFUSES TO WASH PAWS

SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND A USE FOR MELTED ARCTIC ICE. APPARENTLY, IT MAKES GREAT WATER

6 BILLION PEOPLE OFFER TO TRADE PLACES WITH WHINGEING AUSSIE TRAVELLERS QUARANTINED IN HOTELS WITH HOT MEALS & BATHROBES

WITH REALITY PROGRAMS STOPPING PRODUCTION, VIEWERS ARE GOING COMPLETELY OFF THEIR BLOCK

CAT FEELING CROWDED BY ISOLATED OWNER’S NON-STOP NEED FOR CUDDLES