News The Ferguson Report: Dutton forces far-left and far-right to meet in the middle
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The Ferguson Report: Dutton forces far-left and far-right to meet in the middle

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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GAY CONVERSION THERAPIST SECRETLY A GAY CONVERSION THERAPIST

As the Morrison Government struggles with outlawing gay conversion therapy, one man has realised he is a gay conversion therapist.

“I realised I think about gay conversion frequently, especially at bedtime. I protesteth waaay too much.”

The Bible condemns homosexuality on the same page as condemning crayfish soup. So, it’s clearly a high priority.

A man in shorts and long white socks said, “The Bible chapter Leviticus also condemns tattoos and clipping your sideburns. So, we have created Hipster-conversion therapies.

A converted converter said, “Most hipsters are in denial of being a hipster. So sad. Quinoa is not mentioned in the Bible, but why take the chance?”

BARNABY JOYCE BACK TO NORMAL

A parliamentary battle of wits occurred between Labor’s Joel Fitzgibbon and Barnaby Joyce’s Barnaby Joyce.

They went from rapier wits to another kind of wits.

Fitzgibbon tried to say he “is going to reach out” to primary producers using a blunt metal object.

A red-faced Mr Joyce delicately opined that this was “a load of pig manure”. Coincidentally, Joyce, Fitzgibbon and pig manure are all regarded as leadership material.

DOUBLE OR DUTTON

Peter Dutton has promised “far-right” and “far-left” extremists will be forced to the “far-centre”.

Mr Dutton’s pledge came after ASIO boss Mike Burgess said right-wing radicals regularly meet to salute Nazi flags, praise Hitler and discuss why they can’t meet nice girls.

Far-left extremists are easier to spot due to their habit of supergluing themselves to the road for no effect.

Dutton noticed the growing threat of right-wing extremism when his agents reported an increase in toothless pale men of inferior Anglo origin.

ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MICE

In the aftermath of the impeachment inquiry – and the beforemath of the next one – President Donald Trump has sacked Whitehouse staffers for their outrageous disloyalty, including speaking their minds and mentioning facts.

“We have nothing to fear but Trump itself,” said a spokeswoman in a baseball cap saying ‘Make America L-Plate Again’.

John Rood, the former Under Secretary of Defense for Policy, “resigned” last week at the “request” of Mr Trump. Another Under Secretary was found hiding under a secretary.

An adviser who does not want to be nicknamed said, “We’re beginning to suspect that the CIA is full of spies.”

In other news…

‘WOKE’ OFFENSIVE TO PEOPLE WITH NARCOLEPSY

‘GET UP’ ALL CASH, NO RESPONSIBILITY

ALMIGHTY GOD DENIES INVOLVEMENT IN FAMINE, FIRES, FLOODS

GUARDIAN READER DISLIKES BIAS

TOP GEAR’S MYSTERY DRIVER ‘STIG’ NOBODY YOU’D KNOW ANYWAY

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