Critical talks at the Pacific Islands Forum almost belly-flopped after “fierce” clashes between PM Scott ‘It Floats!’ Morrison and Tuvalu leader Enele ‘No It Doesn’t!’ Sopoaga.

Morrison stymied efforts by small island states to make a declaration for ‘climate action’ because it would involve ‘action’.

A government spokeswoman on a boogie-board said, “Tuvalu is making a mountain out of an imminent catastrophe. We’ve offered $800m in floaties. We threw in everything but the kitchen sink, because it sank.”

A Tuvalu resident said, “The situation we face is sink or swim. Or, in this case, both. We look forward to arriving on Australia’s doorstep by boat.”

Scott Morrison with NZ PM Jacinda Ardern in Tuvalu on Wednesday.

Freedom of speechlessness

Home Affairs chief Mike Pezzullo wants the leaker of top-secret secrets about free speech to ‘‘go to jail.’’

“It’s complicated,” said an ASIO agent who wishes to remain hiding under your bed. “I’m not allowed to mention free speech.”

A spy who came in with a cold denied threatening jail terms for whistleblowers is intimidation. “We encourage everyone to wet their whistleblowers.”

A civil rights activist (who is coincidentally an Arts student with a goatee) went on and on about freedom of the press as if he reads newspapers.

Jokers in the CPAC

American alt-right big-C Conservatives at the recent CPAC conference demanded Labor Senator Kristina Keneally (formerly American) be ‘sent back’, presumably to the USA.

“Send her back”, they chanted, displaying typical American knowledge of geography.

One giant-C speaker looked as white as a sheet with two holes in it. “All we have is the White House, Number 10, the Lodge, the banks, the mining industries and houses on the hill. When will we get a break?”

Vegan vigilantes accused of being tasteless and mushy

Laws against Vegan Vigilantes are being ‘beefed up’ but not in that way.

Vegans have raided abattoirs and farms, harassing workers, farmers and a chook. The vigilantes were easily arrested due to their lack of upper-body strength and sluggish reaction times.

“This is just offal!” said a vegan who, for the tenth time, mentioned he is a vegan.

But the government will introduce tough new penalties including five years in prison or an Aussie sausage (which may or may not contain actual meat).

Vegans demand McDonalds introduce a new vegan burger – Two all soy patties, special sauce, lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, lettuce on a sesame seed.

In other news…

TRUMP OFFER TO BUY GREENLAND MAY BE GRAMMATICAL ERROR

‘GUARDIAN’ READER AS WELL-INFORMED AS THE NEXT ‘GUARDIAN’ READER

NICK KYRGIOS CONDEMNED FOR SWEARING ALMOST AS MUCH AS YOU DO

NEW SYDNEY APARTMENTS MADE WITH BRICKS & WATER

NATURAL IRIDOLOGY ONLY EFFECTIVE FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN AFFORD IT