News The Ferguson Report: Minister in charge of Centrelink to be replaced by robot
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The Ferguson Report: Minister in charge of Centrelink to be replaced by robot

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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The Minister in charge of Centrelink, Stuart ‘Robo’ Robert is to be replaced by a ‘Robo-Minister’ (an algorithm that previously worked for the major banks until they got busted).

Robo-Robert will be robo-fined $300,000 for unspecified robo-reasons. He will be robo-called at dawn by robo-debt collectors threatening to robo-repo his Comcar access, his super-duper-annuation and tax-free everything.

“Ministers are budget bludgers,” said an anonymous voice from a Mumbai call centre.

“To paraphrase the Prime Minister, the best thing for federal ministers is to get a real job.”

Cricket balls up

Cricket Australia has a new policy that ensures transgender people can play cricket at the highest level in Australia, a level which is not very high because it’s only cricket.

When asked whether he would intervene, PM Scott ‘Nothing Better To Do’ Morrison passed the balls to Sport Minister Richard ‘Mine! Mine!’ Colbeck.

The PM claimed he is more focused on issues such as employment and mental health (just not the employment and mental health of transgender cricketers).

“Why there’s a necessity to get the sledgehammer out on this is mystifying,” said the easily mystified PM.

A sledgehammer who identifies as a pick-axe said, When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a gender crisis. Thank God it’s only about cricket. Imagine if it was something important.”

Aged careless

Reserve Bank Governor Philip Lowe says he has sympathy for retirees as his lowering of interest rates is hitting their hip pockets.

“This will put pressure on their hip-pocket replacements,” said a RBA spokeswoman printing Australian dollars like they’re going out of fashion, which they are.

Taking out the white trash

Following recent US mass shootings by white terrorists, US President Donald Trump has accidentally condemned hatred and white supremacy.

Reading a crazed left-wing rant from the wrong teleprompter, Trump mistakenly called for gun control reforms. “Hate has no place in America,” Trump said before his advisers could stop him.

Trump said, “Mental illness and hate pull the trigger, not the gun.”

It’s true – guns don’t pull triggers.

But a fake psychologist claimed mental illness is not the cause for the shootings. She said, “White supremacists suffer from in-breeding, bad potty-training and chin-licking dimwittery. It’s very sad they’re being wiped out by literacy and disinfectant.”

Meanwhile, Australian white supremacists aim to ban American white supremacists because they are foreign.

From Russia with rubber gloves

Radiation levels have spiked after a rocket engine exploded at a Russian nuclear test site. But Russia’s defence ministry claimed radiation was normal.

It’s hard to know which episode of the TV series Chernobyl they are repeating.

In other news …

CAT ATTACKS OWNER’S TOES IN VIOLENT PUSSYFOOTING

SPEAKERS OF HATE SPEECH HATE SPEECH

SKIERS VERGE ON PISTE

MELBOURNE WEATHER CRISIS ALMOST AS BAD AS MELBOURNE WEATHER

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