News The Ferguson Report: Fashion is so bad they need to change it all the time
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The Ferguson Report: Fashion is so bad they need to change it all the time

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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FASHION SCHMASHION

Controversy has rocked the Paris Couture Fashion Week Spring Summer 2020.

Fashionistas glared in horror as Superstar Uma Thurman wreaked havoc by wearing pants and a shirt of some sort.

“Socks are sooooo 1500’s,” said a model-slash-swizzlestick who could only be seen front-on. She reached for her champagne and vanished.

The ‘Painfully Thin Book of Fashion’ describes couture as “showing your individuality by wearing the same as everyone else. Fashion proclaims to the world – ‘I am, like you, me!’

“We know who wears the corduroy leiderhosen in my family,” said a woman in corduroy leiderhosen.

“I’m flying by the seat of my seersucker jeggings,” said a fashion editor of a magazine read by people who still read magazines.

A streaker galloped through the haute horde. A fashion editor wearing shoes remarked, “The emperor’s new clothes are so hot right now!”

A male model sporting the Hairless-Meth-Addicted-Whippet look denied couture was beyond the reach of the poor. “People in poor countries have access to high fashion clothes,” he said, “until they finish sewing them.”

DEVASTATE OF THE UNION

Shutdown President Donald Trump has agreed to change the date of his State Of The Union speech to a time when America can afford it.

An unpaid Whitehouse spokeswoman wearing a ‘Will Fib For Food’ placard said, “POTUS did say he would happily own the government shutdown, but now he is renting it to Nancy Pelosi.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s involvement in Russian deals during the 2016 election was vehemently denied and strenuously confirmed by Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s barely-legal lawyer.

VOGUE NOT IN VOGUE

Liberal Party unity took a kick to the Morrisons thanks to former bridesmaid Julie Bishop.

Bishop clambered to agree with visiting American fashion icon Anna Wintour, who said:  “I have been alarmed by your Prime Minister’s record on LGBTQ rights,” as if it’s any of her business.

Once and future former PM Tony Abbott defended Scott Morrison, as if it’s any of his business.

The former Deputy PM Bishop said Wintour had “pretty pertinent points”. A spokesman clarified, “Julie was talking about Anna’s shoes.”

DI NATALE GIVES BLACKOUTS GREEN LIGHT

Greens leader Richard Di Natale has tweeted, “We complain about not having a dishwasher turned on for a few hours, but this is an existential threat we’re facing as a species.”

It’s unknown whether he was talking about humanity or the Greens. Either way, the politically correct term for ‘dishwasher’ is ‘au pair’.

In other news…

ADELAIDE HEATWAVE TRIGGERS EMERGENCY POWERLESSNESS

UNINVITED ENGLISHMEN CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF AUSTRALIA DAY

TRIPLE-J VOTED ‘COOLEST RADIO STATION RUN BY A GOVERNMENT’

LABOR ANTI-NEGATIVE GEARING POLICY UNDERGOING RENOVATION AT YOUR EXPENSE

YOUNG LIBERAL IS NEITHER

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