News The Ferguson Report: The class that dare not speak its name
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The Ferguson Report: The class that dare not speak its name

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Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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PRINCIPALS NOT PRINCIPLES

The heads of 34 Anglican Schools in NSW wrote politicians a letter urging them to protect exemptions in the Sex Discrimination Act that allow them to sack gay teachers.

The letter doesn’t claim the school heads are all hetero. Nor does it claim that what happens on band camp stays on band camp.

The letter insists: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do to you, so long as they use different equipment’.

SCOMO VS TURNBO

Alleged Prime Minister Scott ‘No Mates’ Morrison and former soon-to-be-former PM Malcolm Turnbull are at loggerheads.

Turnbull insists he will defend his legacy of totally fixing the NBN, saving the nation from coal and controlling Barnaby Joyce’s behaviour.

‘ScoMover’ has accused ‘Turnbo’ of going beyond his brief during his trip as an envoy to Bali this week.

A government spokeswoman said, “We sent Malcolm to Bali to do the PM’s job, not to do the PM’s job. See the difference?”

TRUMP & SCOMO SENDING MEXICANS TO NAURU

US President Donald Trump has declared the caravan of Mexican refugees approaching America is a ‘national emergency’.

This is despite the Mexicans not being in America, with no practical way of entering America.

Trump’s base voters are terrified by the threat of 3000 people poised to queue at the border in an orderly fashion.

VACCINE NATION

German measles has officially been eliminated in Australia. Chronic Health Minister Greg Hunt claims it proves vaccinations work.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) agrees. A WHO doctor in a Hazchem suit emerged from a British phone box to shake Hunt’s rubber-gloved hand.

But an Anti-Vaccination spokesman (who chooses to remain endangered) insisted it’s a coincidence. “Measles died of its own accord. Or it was killed off by typhoid.”

The anti-vaxxer is a sniffling quinoa-nibbler from an inner-city suburb with an empty kindergarten. He wore badges declaring ‘My Other Illness is a Plague’ and ‘Vaccination Turned me into a Newt’.

“Diseases are creatures too,” he said between wheezes. “It’s best to let them thrive, skipping freely from lung to lung.”

The anti-vaxxer sneezed, clearing the room.

When fake media returned, the campaigner had slumped into perfectly natural anaphylactic shock.

The phone box had mysteriously disappeared.

In other news…

CRICKET AUSTRALIA CHUCKS A GOOGLY

CHANNEL TEN CAN’T GET NEW LOGO UP

SANTA CLAUS ALREADY SICK OF ‘JINGLE BELLS’

SEX NOT WHAT IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE

CAT RECKONS IT COULD DO BETTER