Life Tech Ten tips for Dyson Heydon on how to use email
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Ten tips for Dyson Heydon on how to use email

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He’s a former Justice of the High Court, Rhodes Scholar and Companion of the Order of Australia.

But royal commissioner into trade unions Dyson Heydon is missing one very important skill.

He can’t use email. In fact, he doesn’t even own a computer. 

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On Monday, Justice Heydon decided not to stand down as royal commissioner, despite weeks of speculation over his future due to allegations of bias.

In explaining the decision, Justice Heydon submitted a 67-page report detailing how he came to the verdict.

Amongst the paragraphs of legal jargon and complex case law, Justice Heydon revealed the simple reason why he missed an email attachment showing he’d agreed to speak at a Liberal Party fundraiser. 

So we thought it’d be nice to take him through the process of how to send an email – it’s never too late to learn.

1. Get machine

Acquire a computer. (CRITICAL TIP: do not confuse computer with a typewriter. A typewriter cannot send email.)

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2. Which machine?

Something like the 1993 IBM PS/1 model 2155 will do the trick. Although a machine released in the last decade would be preferable. Apple, Lenovo and Sony are all reliable brands.

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3. Electricity

Locate wall power socket and power cord on computer. Insert computer power plug into wall power point. Turn power point on. Turn computer on. We’ve come a long way since Thomas Edison.

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4. The mouse

Not a living rodent. Rather, an inanimate object you manoeuvre with your hand. It carries out commands on the screen.

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5. Get internet

This is the hardest bit. Maybe delegate this task. But remember, the sense of achievement you’ll get from doing it yourself will make you feel proud.

You’ll need to get the network password from whoever runs the network at your office. But that shouldn’t be hard for a royal commissioner. Then open the browser (Explorer/Chrome/Firefox/Safari).

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6.  Find email

Use the keyboard (this might remind you of a typewriter) and type “gmail.com” into the URL bar in the browser. We’ve even highlighted the keys you’ll need to get started:

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7. Create account

Enter your personal information. Create account (with a quirky email address) and then sign in!

For example: judge.judy.got.nothing.on.me@gmail.com.

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8. Send email

Click big red ‘COMPOSE’ button. Write message. Put receiver’s email address in the “To” row. Think of a quirky “subject” line. Hit send.

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9. Receive/read email

Click on email. Look at the screen and read the text. Remember, words appear on screens in 2015, not just broadsheets.

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10. Important note! → Attachments

Sometimes people like to attach documents or files outside of the main message.

E.g. information about functions you’re invited to speak at.

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So, Justice Heydon, glad we could be of assistance.

You’ll be starting Reddit threads on jurisprudence in no time.

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